It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, or a finger, or gets cancer. Wait. WHAT?!

Before I begin, I must admit that I’ve got a slight nagging worry that the only non-digital toys my children’s children will be legally allowed to play with are… well, none. Not even dirt. Or biodegradable gummy dirt. Anyway, let’s look at some play products through the ages that were genuinely extremely dangerous or were banned because they were nominated as just too Darwin-friendly.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane and beyond, through the now-illegal toy aisle!

The Kite Tube (2006)

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “Inner tubes and rafts are fun. So is parasailing… WAIT! {Hold my beer.} What if we COMBINED THEM!?”

The answer was the WeGo Kite Tube, where water-frolickers could be hauled behind a speeding boat, catch air and be erratically launched high into the sky until they were sent crashing back down at high velocity. Unfortunately, screaming and explosively shitting your pants did nothing to improve the control or aerodynamics of this death-raft, so it was banned after a few too many horrific accidents.

Sky Dancers (2000)

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “Barbie schmarbie! Just imagine an affordably-priced flying fairy princess helicopter ballerina doll!”

Maybe kids can’t be bothered with manually whooshing their toys around in the air anymore””were not druids, after all””so, maybe it made a kind of sense to make a fairy doll with the gift of rapidly-spinning-propeller-based flight. Also, maybe not so much. 9 million of these aerial weed-whackers were ultimately recalled.

Even the versions of this Mortal Kombat Tinker Bell that didn’t require pulling a lawnmower cord to achieve liftoff seemed to have a conscience and occasionally committed toyicide before they could blind or lacerate the faces of their young owners.

Snacktime Kid Cabbage Patch Doll (1997)

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “Cabbage Patch doll sales are sagging. What if we made one with the power to chew with an unstoppable, voracious appetite!?”

Anything without an OFF button sounds like a bad idea, but it sounds even worse when it’s a toy that will mindlessly gnaw away at a curious kid’s French-fry-like finger or devour an unlucky, stray lock of hair until it’s pulled out in a clump. This real-life Garbage Pail Kid nightmare was put out to cabbage pasture once enough lawsuits made it clear that it had an insatiable and unsafe craving for the flesh of children.

Lawn Darts (1988)

photo: this hilarious Central Standard Film Festival commercial

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “Tossing a horseshoe seems so old timey, and it lacks the satisfying THUNK of a sharp, weighted metal spike piercing anything it’s lobbed at… Eureka! Javelin Darts? No wait… JARTS!”

Begin Sarcasm: All people, especially little kids, have an innate sense of the importance of keeping clear of the flight path of shinny objects with brightly-colored fins, right? What could go wrong? End Sarcasm.

Over 7,000 injuries could go wrong. Can you imagine if these hadn’t been banned before the age of the iPhone? “Awwww, Sarah’s Facebook album of her new rescue kitten is soooo…[SHHNK!]”

Belt Buckle Gun (1959)

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “Pffffft! Sure, there are cap guns. And then there are cap guns that are fashion accessories that whip out a groin pistol and fire an unanticipated blast that shoots out an actual ‘SAFE SHOOTIN’ SHELL ®’ when you thrust your hips!”

It’s really too bad that putting a mechanical device that ignites gunpowder near a kid’s crotch is such a ridiculously bad idea, because the thought of some lil’ pretend sheriff layin’ down the law and keepin’ the peace by air humping a shot at the bad guys just seems too hilarious to put into words.

The A.C. Gilbert Company was once one of the largest toy companies in the world. Best known for the brilliant and famous Erector Set, the company also produced a wide array of insanely dangerous products for kids. The company’s namesake, Alfred Carlton Gilbert, was a magician before he become a toy maker. Personally, I think the biggest trick he ever performed was dying in the ’60s without being penniless or in prison.

Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab (1950)

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “Soooooo… you’re telling me we’re allowed to sell uranium to the public? REAL honest-to-goodness radioactive material? Welp! Let’s sell it to kids then!”

Imagine how their eyes must have lit up. No seriously, I mean “lit up” as in glow in the friggin’ dark. Great Scott! For parents well-off enough to drop $50 1950s dollars, they could buy their little snot-factories the cancer-tainment fun of unlocking the mysteries of the atom while getting radiation poisoning.

In the golden age of comic books, I shudder to think how many kids tried to give themselves super powers with this product. Oddly, this toy wasn’t banned but was discontinued because of poor sales.

Gilbert Kaster Kit Jr. (1931)

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “What if we could harness the enthusiasm boys have for lead figures and give them a chance to learn the highly valuable skill of metallurgy?”

Video games? Hah! You haven’t seen improved hand-eye coordination until you’ve seen a kid trying to tip a molten pot of toxic lead lava into a small mold without getting bazillionth-degree burns. Achievement Unlocked: Emergency Room Patient

Gilbert Glass Blowing Set (1920)

What They Were Thinking, Maybe: “Since we’re already selling kids an extremely poisonous and explosive chemistry set and have plans for a molten lead kit, gosh darn it, let’s offer them a way they can blow their own glass!”

Simply place fragile glass tubes in a kid’s mouth and have them hold their face over flaming 200 proof grain alcohol, turning the glass into molten slugs they can bend and shape to their little heart’s delight. What’s not to love? I know we’ve gotten a little soft these days, but were kids genius superheroes a hundred years or so ago?

There are so so so many other harmful, toxic and deadly play things I couldn’t fit in, of course. Feel free to share the ones you know about.

Some of these toys, man… You almost feel like you’d have to take drugs to even be able to imagine the drugs that these people must have been on when they thought of them.

At the same time, though… Honestly? I want to huck a jart at a ring and pour molten lead into rad miniature Hobbit figures with my kids. But no way José on that crazy ass Kite Tube!