Those words, uttered by any human being, male or female, are the clearest indication you’re about to hear something that is not at all funny. And, true to form, it wasn’t. My wife continued on to unload some serious distaste for something that was pretty awful.

Once someone says “you know what’s so funny,” you can almost imagine a TV or movie style freeze frame of the scene with Morgan Freeman’s calm, velvety drawl in the background, pointing out the irony, “But it was not funny.”

There are some phrases people start off their statements with that are clearly spoilers for what’s about to come. “I don’t want to sound _____, but…” is the surest guarantee that what’s said next will sound exactly _____. Or something like, “I’m no expert, but…” will invariably be followed by what that person considers an expert-level opinion.

When you’ve been married for a while, the number of these giveaway opening phrases increases as you get to know each other’s database of speech. It’s kind of cool. And also kind of scary sometimes.

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