We all try to be supportive when our significant other is sick. But I’m of the opinion that adding a little levity into the situation can’t hurt. My wife, or most wives or spouses for that matter, may ferociously disagree. Heck, I’m not such a fan of jokes when my body feels like the physical embodiment of a dumpster fire.

However, when you’re on the other side of the quarantine glass, it’s difficult to resist making faces or a couple of armpit farts. Even if your audience is the exact opposite of amused.

So, throwing caution and self-preservation to the wind, here are a few ideas for “lifting the spirits” of your spouse when they’ve gone full-ebola. (I’ve included alternatives that may be more sensible):
 

1) Jokes

Ask them if they need some tissues for their issues. Make a play on words: “It’s all about YOUR-graine, what about MY-graine?” Or get ’em with a pun, like “what a big influenza they’ve become in your life.” They’ll love it!

(Alternative: Speak briefly, when spoken to, and then leave them the f*ck alone.)
 

2) Songs

Music has charms to soothe the savage beast. Even if your singing is atrocious, serenade them! Try Fever or Girl On Fire if they’re running a temp. If symptoms include butt piss, (Don’t Go Chasing) Waterfalls is a fine selection. Or something more general like Doctor! Doctor! by the Thompson Twins. If you’re bad with lyrics, just play the songs on your phone at full volume.

(Alternative: Keep quiet around them and leave them the f*ck alone.)
 

3) Tickle Attack

If they won’t laugh at your jokes or ironic musical stylings, then resort to a stimulus-response method of achieving laughter! If they’re not ticklish, you can try wedgies, noogies, wet willies or the like.

(Alternative: Get them anything they need and leave them the f*ck alone.)
 

4) A Puppet Show

Who doesn’t love a puppet show? Okay, skip that question. Just grab a sock or stuffed animal, heck use the cups of a bra to create an underwear muppet, go to the foot of the bed that they’re bundled up in, and it’s showtime, baby!

(Alternative: Let them rest and leave them the f*ck alone.)
 

5) Pranks

Sprinkle some pepper in their box of tissues. Fill their bag of cough drops with gummie bears. Unscrew the cap a little on the sports bottle or thermos they’re using to stay hydrated. You may want to observe their “lifted spirits” from a decent distance.

(Alternative: Just leave them the f*ck alone.)

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I would like to finish with a formal statement that these were offered in the spirit of satire and jest, and that I cannot be held liable for any harm or trauma or death that anyone experiences as a result of attempting any of these. Hee hee!