This would have been a funny, slightly dysfunctional Got Milk ad. Well, it would have been funnier if I wasn’t living it, and having to drive back to the grocery store for a single item.

One thing I was never prepared for in parenthood is the mind-boggling number of times I’ve gone to a grocery store. Sometimes OFTEN for a single friggin’ item. And I’m not talking about a midnight pickle run during pregnancy.

How often, you may wonder? Let’s take a look.

Wife [sweetly]: Honeeyyyyyy?

Me: Yeeeeeah?

Wife [even sweeter]: You love me, right?

Me Which grocery store and what do you need?

Wife [so sweet we both get diabetes]: Just a bottle of ketchup. But make sure it’s org-

Me Organic, yes I know. Always organic. Are you sure we don’t need anything else?

Wife: Just ketchup!

Narrator: But she was wrong. She did need more than just ketchup.

My own upbringing must have given me a warped idea of how often I’d be frequenting grocery stores once I had a family.

As soon as I was strong enough, I remember helping my mom haul in the weeks groceries, which seemed like a United Nations supply drop of food relief for an entire village. Early on I learned the “just one trip” power lift most of us do, speed-shuffling from the car to the kitchen with twelve or so bags strapped to both arms and every single finger, which were all nearly being severed from the weight of all the plastic bag straps.

One trip. Once a week, basically.

Nowadays, with my very own family, my wife and I will wind up going out to get provisions up to five or six times a week, shopping at two or three different stores for one reason or another, for this item or that. And, if our memories are bad (as per usual), throw in a few extra special runs for a handful of overlooked items.

I know this is dumb. I’m not telling you because I’m proud. I want you to laugh at our lunacy. Or, if you’re also a grocery moron, maybe you can take refuge in the fact that you’re not alone, and that there is a couple of food shoppers out there even dumber than you.

Oh and uh… Don’t forget to get milk!