You’re a toddler. You’ve got an agenda and can’t be held up just because your parents think you need to learn your colors or know what a cow sounds like. You’re on the move (even if a bit wobbly). You have THINGS TO DO. Like chewing on erasers or unraveling toilet paper rolls or anything else that pops into your cute but disproportionately large head.

Let’s get to the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Toddlers:

1) Be a Go-Getter

Go! Just go. Forward or backward, sideways, it doesn’t matter if you have a destination or goal. Even if you land on your bottom, the bottom line is to just keep on toddling on. No one ever found any cool pebbles or dust bunnies in life by lazing it up in tummy time or gazing vacantly up at a mobile in the comfort of a crib. The only way to get anywhere in life is to get going. Even if it’s straight into a chair.

2) Train the Potty Trainer

All powerful leaders delegate. Your parents are obviously working hard to earn a degree in bodily waste management, so don’t deny them the valuable work experience they so desperately need. Quite frankly, toilets are mind boggling, not to mention more than a little bit scary. Where does all the poopy go and what if you fall in? Why do people even risk a terrifying waterslide ride into the depths of Pottyland?

Instead of spending hours pondering these questions, do your business in your wearable poopie-satchel and lay back on an executive changing table to think your big thoughts. It’ll save time and give your subordinates some cherished moments while adding substance to their resumes.

3) Squeal the Deal

You want to negotiate for more play time or an increase in bedtime stories. Maybe you desperately want to acquire that bright shiny thingy in the grocery checkout lane. There are two powerful strategies you can apply even if you’re still non-verbal. First, blast your parent point blank with a giggly, gummy smile. If that doesn’t work, scream like someone set a pterodactyl on fire. Parents are suckers for these tactics.

You can’t win every deal but don’t be discouraged. If your determination is sagging like a pee pee diaper just sneak a sip of mommy’s coffee. Coffee is for closers and naps are for babies. You’re not a baby, are you? Nuh-uh!

4) Pre-liminate the Competition

Sure a big brother might laugh respectfully at your snot bubbles, and a big sis probably serves impeccable imaginary tea, but parents only have so many brain cells for their kids to dominate. Since you time travel and prevent your parents from producing an older sibling, you can at least stop them from popping out more competition.

Turn your sleep schedule into a hair-trigger jack-in-the box. Keeping your parents too tired to see straight is a great deterrent for future baby manufacturing. If necessary, scream-cry until they put you in the bed between them and become a reproduction blockade. If you see them getting dangerously snuggly, take a deep breath and throw up all over the mood. It’s a toddler eat dog biscuit world out there, and you need to corner the market.

An added bonus: tired parents are suggestible parents, and suggestible parents are easier to work with.

5) Fuel for the Creative

Breastfeeding is efficient and let’s face it, pretty great! A warm, soft pillow that pumps food straight into your face while you power nap? Marvelous. You’ve got dreams to weave! Milk that for as long as possible. Once you do switch to solids, sit back and multitask. Whether your num nums are delivered by choo-choo train or spoon plane, you can busy yourself with epic drum solos on the high-chair tray or create a masterpiece of puréed peas.

6) Soak It All Up

Question everything. Will this fit in my mouth? Is this going to bounce or break? Will that door stopper go twang if you flick it for the thirtieth time? You just don’t know. You’re a sponge, so drench yourself until you’re dripping in knowledge. You can wait to play with those wooden blocks when you’re old and retired in your teens.

Second hand information can be like a second hand diaper, full of doo doo. Always challenge the things you’re told by your parents. If they tell you something is hot or sharp or fragile, it’s best to find out by direct inspection.

7) Take Control

Someone’s gotta be in control and it might as well be you. You’re certainly not going to leave it to those two high-strung, sleep-deprived giants you live with, are you? No way, José.

You are the master of your fate, the captain of your ship, the peddler of your tricycle, so why not act like it? Be a self-starter. Grab that glass! Crawl into that dishwasher! Eat that penny! Take the initiative, and the cap off that sharpie!

If your parents are urgently suggesting you not do something, DO IT. If they’re passionately requesting that you do something, DON’T. You’re establishing dominance and demonstrating you’re not a lemming. Don’t just let them haul you away to play with a bunch of other kids under a parachute.

When your parents won’t take your ‘NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” when it’s time for bed, don’t be a push over. Lose your shit, bite the dog, fling some poop around the room. Deliver a compelling tantrum the likes of which your mommy and daddy cannot refuse!

–

And there you have the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Toddlers! I hope you took some notes (bonus points for using shorthand, or being able to hold the crayon at all, honestly).

Now stop staring at your belly button and be the most effective toddler you can be!