Why are men on the pot so long? Secrets Revealed!
What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom… until now!
“What exactly are you doing in the bathroom for so long?” It’s a question women have been asking men for ages. At least since the invention of the outhouse and quite possibly as early as the prehistoric time when holes were dug outside the family cave.
“Did we fall in?” Hah! Good one, but no.
“Are we okay in there?” Maybe. Probably, but it might depend on your definition of “okay” in some cases.
“Should I call an ambulance?” We’ll keep you posted.
So just why is it taking us so long in there? The answers might surprise you. Or be completely unsurprising.
Actual Defecation
It’s true. Most of the time when men hunker down on the porcelain throne in their fortress of solitude, they’re pooping. Why so long, though? Well the more mysterious answers to that question are revealed below, but one explanation related to the act of deuce dropping is that, thanks to a high-protein, low-fiber diet and a largely sedentary life, most men have to circle the block several times before dropping the kids off at the pool. On the flip side, it can be the slow, volcanic Wednesday following a particularly festive Taco Tuesday.
Taking Care of Business
No, not that kind of “taking care of business,” ya perv. If you’ve ever received an email or a text or Facebook comment from a dude, there’s a good chance he wrote it après poo. Everybody poops! And now, thanks to the internet and smartphones, everybody can get a little work done and stay connected while they’re copping a squat.
It’s not the most pleasant thought, but the next time you get an email from the CEO about the company’s fourth quarter earnings, realize there’s a good chance that some of it was composed on the crapper.
A Place for Self-Improvement
It’s shouldn’t be a huge surprise to learn that the average man performs 70% of his reading while he’s pinching a loaf. Some have completed college degrees on the can. Granted these probably aren’t from colleges that one would call “good” or even “accredited,” but in any case, give us some peace while we’re reading War and Peace.
Taking a Squat-cation
Maybe we’re grabbing the only chance we’ll get to YouTube the highlights of the game we missed. Or we’re catching up on some mindless scrolling through memes that make us LOL in our minds. Or maybe it has been a while and we do, indeed, need to “take care of business.”
A Little R&R&R
In the hectic world we live in it’s hard to find even a moment to unwind, and what better place to grab some Me Time than on the pot? It’s one of the few places where a man can lock himself inside a room without sparking a call to 911.
The bathroom provides dads with a quiet place away from kids fighting over the last Oreo or a spontaneous visit from the in-laws. It’s a haven, a safe space, a sanctuary where a dude can be left to his own dudely self. To rest, relax and recharge (sometimes literally, if the battery is low on his phone and the cable reaches).
Great Thoughts Must Be Thunked
When the phone does die, and we’ve already re-re-re-read the labels on all the bottles within arms reach, we’re left with thinking great thoughts. Maybe we’re trying to figure out how they get the toothpaste in the tube. Maybe we’re trying to reconcile quantum physics with the classical Newtonian model. There’s a lot of middle ground when it comes to the word “great” in great thoughts, but some of history’s most profound thinkers must have made their contributions to society while making a contribution to the city’s sewage system.
Pythagoras developed his famous theorem while taking a dump… probably. You can’t prove he didn’t. Shakespeare almost certainly conceived some part of Hamlet whilst he satteth upon the commode. Great thoughts can come to anyone and, more importantly, while anywhere. Especially when “anywhere” is in the loo.
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And there you have it! The secrets are out. So before you start to heckle a man through the door for spending too much time in the crapatorium, remember that we might just be saving the world.
Then again, we might have just dozed off.
