Male Aging: 5 Things They Don’t Tell You
Most people know about the typical biological wonders that go along with the aging male body: the balding, the thickets of hair that sprout from ears and nostrils, bifocals, and the lack of boners.
What doesn’t often get mentioned are the other awkward side effects of getting older. The little embarrassing tidbits that, maybe, it would have been nice to have known about earlier instead of being shocked by them like cranking some depressing, later-life biological jack in the box.
Let’s look at five often unmentioned things men experience as they slouch into the inevitable decline of middle age.
Bungie Balls
A certain part of the male anatomy gets longer as our bodies age. Which would be pretty nifty if it was the part most of us would like to have some added length. As men enter middle age, gravity begins to take its toll on our balls, drawing them ever so slowly towards the center of the earth. Let’s face it. A man’s nut sack isn’t his most attractive feature, but making them even uglier is just a cruel twist (or pull) of fate.
Additional heads-ups:
- You may ocassionally sit painfully on your now free-range huevos
- Your teabag might get a dip in toilet water
- Exercise/sports with loose/no undies may cause painful nad clanging
- You might potentially horrify onlookers when you sit in swim trunks
Invasive Maneuvers!
Colonoscopies and endoscopies and prostate exams, oh my! Awareness of the medical procedures men have to undergo sort of sink in slowly as you get older, not unlike a lubed-up, rubber-gloved finger. GAH!
These procedures are important to men’s health but still, and I can’t emphasize this enough, GAH!
Additional heads-ups:
- When the doc says you may feel some pressure, that’s code for pain
- You’ll discover the most ultra mega super soft toilet paper brands
Springing a Leak
Dick Trickle was a short track race car driver back in the 70s and the 80s. Why is this bit of history important? It’s not really, aside from the fact that it’s a funny and pretty accurate description of what happens after men of a certain age partake in a leak.
As younger men, it was pretty clear when we were done whizzing. The flow of urine stopped almost as if turned off by a faucet. As we get older, however, figuring out when the deed is truly done becomes a bit more mysterious. Despite employing the safety measure of giving it a wiggle, the dick trickles for a few unexpected seconds… and then for a few bonus seconds more… usually after we’ve sheathed our pork sword back in our underwear.
Additional heads-ups:
- Your laundry basket might take on the stench of a hobo’s bedroll
- You might start packing your luggage with an obnoxious amount of reserve underwear when traveling
- You may develop serious bodily-function trust issues
Never Trust a Fart
Speaking of trust issues, wangs aren’t the only thing that go out of whack in extra-mature men. A man’s butthole becomes a bit of a roulette wheel and the older he gets always bet on brown.
For many, letting a few farts fly in the car or at the dinner table or even at a wedding used to be an act of crude but rebelliously hilarious fun. Somewhere in our forties though bringing the thunder turns into a gamble where the odds are not in our favor and somewhere in a landfill is a mountain of skid-stained undies to prove it.
Additional heads-ups:
- You’ll start excusing yourself to go to the restroom just to break wind
- You might switch from loose boxers to briefs for increased containment in the event of a tragedy
Moobs
Unless you’re bench pressing refrigerators daily to get pecs like The Rock, you’re going to develop man boobs, moobs. No matter how thin you are, like your testicles, your chesticles are going to experience the ravages of gravity.
Sure, there are other more preferable ways for men to get in touch with their feminine side, but this one is inevitable, so just accept it.
Additional heads-ups:
- Your wardrobe will have tons of loose-fitting shirts
- You’ll get acquainted with what women know as under-boob sweat
- Jogging or doing jumping jacks might make you a tad jiggle-conscious
It’s pretty obvious why these points aren’t the everyday chat around campfires and coffee tables, but it’s always nice to have a heads up on things. Even if the weather forecast is saggy with a chance of dribbles.
