Toddler New Year’s Resolutions
The beginning of the year is always a great time for us adults to take stock of the past and anticipate the future in preparation of the year ahead. It turns out that toddlers are no different from us bigger people, just with less fine motor and bowel control.
Wee ones have the same sorts of fears and hopes that us older folks have when it comes to thinking about the New Year. After interviewing thousands almost a handful of toddlers we’ve learned a little bit about their dreams for the New Year, successes and failures in the past as well as some predictions for the future.
What are some challenges you faced this past year?
Tommy: I like poopin’ but I REALLY like poopin’ in the closet. My momma kept trying to keep me from pooping in the closet but I wouldn’t let her. I like pooping in the closet.
Shelby: My parents eat a lot of meat but I don’t like meat so much. I guess I’m a vegan but I also don’t really like vegetables either. Especially peas. Peas are gross and mushy.
Jon: I don’t like socks. The seams drive me nuts. My dad wears sandals and socks which is just so gross but so are his toes. He says he has a fungus or something.
Jennifer: I was greatly concerned about the Federal Reserve’s policy over the last twelve months. Given the current economic conditions I think that they should have be much more aggressive when cutting interest rates.
Any regrets?
Tommy: I really think I could have pooped even more in the closet. Like I said though, my momma watches me like a hawk. She even started keeping me in a playpen with really high gates which makes it very hard to poop in the closet.
Shelby: I don’t believe in regrets. Regrets are just opportunities that haven’t been fully experienced unless you’re eating the flesh of an animal. I’d regret that. And eating steamed carrots. Bleah.
Jon: I mentioned that whole socks and sandals thing didn’t I?
Jennifer: There’s been talk of returning to a gold standard which would be a huge mistake by any measure. While a gold standard limits inflation, which is at a historical low right now, it effectively limits the amount of wealth available globally and hampers liquidity.
What about a success you’ve had in the past year?
Tommy: I thought I already mentioned that I’ve been able to poop in the closet.
Shelby: I took dairy and gluten out of my diet this year. It made my mom a little made. Technically I probably should be breastfeeding but I’m a vegan which I might have said before and it’s not conducive to my lifestyle.
Jon: I FINALLY got gammy gram to wax her lip and chin and also most of her cheeks. It was like an all aver facial sort of things but it had to be done. She was starting to look like Gandalf.
Jennifer: I think that the success of our economy speaks for itself.
Predictions for the New Year?
Tommy: I’m gonna keep poopin’ in the closet. Also, I’ve been talking to Jennifer and apparently we should all get out of the oil and gas industry. It’s going to be an outdated source of power soon and the technological breakthroughs with clean energy are going become more efficient as time passes.
Jon: Cozy is in. I’d look to see a lot of soft textiles on the runway this year. Also, I’m pretty sure Kanye and Kim are going to split. And that kid Tommy is probably going to keep pooping in the closet.
Shelby: I really don’t like predictions. I’ll just call it more of a hope. I hope that people all around the world become a little more self-aware. A little kinder. Especially my cousin Sarah who’s kind of a bitch. I think it’s because she eats too much dairy.
Jennifer: I predict that the recent difficulties with China will greatly affect trade and increase the odds of a moderate-to-severe global recession. That potential downswing however could be countered domestically somewhat by continued growth in the tech and manufacturing sectors. Tommy will also, most likely, continue defecating in the closet.
New Year’s Resolutions?
Tommy: I’m going to start branching out as far as my food intake goes and eat a LOT more fiber. I’m probably going to start eating chili, too.
Jon: I’m tossin’ my socks in the trash. My old man’s too, and while I’m at it I’m going to have a talk about his goatee. Who does he think he’s fooling with it? We all know you have a weak chin. At least start using some dye a little bit. Nothing too much just a touch to take out the gray.
Shelby: I’m going to listen to my body more and tell it that it should stop wanting to eat hot dogs.
Jennifer: I’d like to focus a little more on my portfolio, but have a better sense about life balance. I’m thinking about taking up golf. It’s a great way to exercise and discuss the various economic events of the day with other financially-minded toddlers like myself.
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From financial advice to fashion tips, these toddlers certainly prove that you never know just exactly what kids are thinking. The only thing we can be sure of really is that 2021 will have its highs and lows for each of these little tykes and that Tommy’s mom will almost certainly have her hands full… of poop.
