Gender Reveal Party Don’ts & Maybe Do’s
If we’ve learned anything about gender reveal parties over the past few years it’s that some people have remained remarkably stupid despite several thousands of years of human progress. Unfortunately, these shindigs have become a freakish combo of Likes-culture combined with daredevil oneupmanship.
It’s all well and good to be excited about the different milestones that come with pregnancy. It’s a beautiful process, aside from the morning sickness and the mood swings and that whole part about pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. The prospect of bringing a new life into the world is magical enough, so there’s no need to bring the thrill of potential loss of life or limb to the celebration.
Here are a few Don’ts when it comes to announcing the type of genitals your baby is going to have, as well as some alternatives for those who simply cannot shake the reveal fever.
Don’t Make Wildlife Part of the Party
Wild animals are not tame. It’s right in their name. Having an alligator eat a melon full of blue Jell-O is certainly a unique method, but it’s kind of anticlimactic and generally has a lot of possible answers to the question “What could go wrong?”
Bringing “tamer” animals like birds or squirrels into the celebration is usually a bad idea as well. As much as you might think the critters would enjoy a good party, you are wrong. So don’t be cruel and go dyeing a dove pink and jamming it in a box. Please forget about feeding blue oatmeal to your dog so he can dump a gender turd at a backyard reveal.
Instead…
Just adopt a puppy. Like babies, puppies are cute, lack bladder control, have huge appetites and erratic sleep schedules, which will all be good training for the arrival of your little bundle of the aforementioned qualities. NOTE: Best not to practice breastfeeding on the puppy.
Don’t Use Fireworks
There are two types of people who use large bore fireworks: trained professionals and meth addicts. Unless you qualify for one of these two groups, please don’t use fireworks. Also, if you’re a meth head, maybe you should look into rehab or some alternative plans for the raising of your child.
There’s really no need for your kid to grow up with his friend’s referring to you as “Stumpy.” The party can be “lit” without sending colorful fireballs into a crowd of family and friends. You want people to scream for joy, not for their lives.
Instead…
Just wait for the Fourth of July or even New Year’s Eve to get your fix if you’re that addicted to pretty explosions (or meth). You can also set up a video screening, there are tons of YouTube clips of people who have already gone to the trouble of setting off blue or pink ground-to-air tactical-gender munitions.
Don’t Use a Sports Theme
Professional athletes spend years honing their skills. The odds are you have not. Also the odds aren’t exactly stellar of you hitting a home run with that ball of chalk, slamming a powder-filled basketball, or kicking a winning glittery field goal. However, the odds of injury are certainly high.
Instead…
Go relive your glory days at the next high school reunion like a normal person. There are also tons of highly realistic sports video games out there if ya just gotta scratch that itch.
Don’t Use Cars
You wouldn’t try to rake a lawn with a car or use its engine to cook bacon, would you? Well, maybe these geniuses below would, but most people would have to agree that using a mode of transportation for something other than transportation might produce unintended results.
Instead…
Just use your car to safely drive to your gender get-together and then tell people by speaking with your mouth that you’re having a girl or boy. Maybe eat some food and hang out. Crazy idea, right?
Don’t Use Confetti Cannons
Like firearms, confetti cannons are a no-no when it comes to gender reveal parties, but also pretty much any other celebration. Anything with the word cannon in its name is trying to tell you something. And the something starts with “cannon” and ends with damage to persons or property.
Though it’s amusingly ironic to announcing your baby’s sex whilst removing your ability to have any more children, just no.
Instead…
Just throw fistfuls of colored aquarium gravel at the audience. It’s more environmentally friendly and less likely to burst in someone’s face or other delicate parts of the body.
Don’t Use Explosives at All
Typically blue represents a boy and pink means it’s a girl. But when you set off a massive wildfire, the fiery orange tells the world that the baby’s parents are a rare and special breed of idiot. You’re having a baby, not making a Beavis and Butthead movie directed by Michael Bay.
Instead…
Ummmm. Maybe put the baby up for adoption? It might be the safest course.
Just Don’t
Whether you’re pooting blue dust out of your butt or skydiving with smoke bombs it seems pretty obvious that, when gender reveal parties are concerned, the possibility that things will go wrong is entirely disproportional to the importance of the event.
Remember, even when it’s not over-the-top, things go wrong.
So the next time you’re thinking of hosting a gender reveal party please just consider not doing one.
