Not Your Usual Valentine’s Day Gift Idea Guide
VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING. It’s a thought strikes fear into the bravest of men’s hearts. When most people with a pair of testicles think about the holiday, they usually do so with the grim certainty the Starks talk about winter in Game of Thrones. But don’t worry!
Whether you’re looking to add a little romance to Valentine’s Day or just trying to show your sweetheart that you’re thinking of her and you’re not an emotionally distant monster, here’s list of just about everything your loved one could possibly want for this most dreaded time of year.
Give the Stylish Gift of Time
Jewelry is always a great gift for Valentine’s Day, but anyone can go out and buy a pair of diamond earrings or a tennis bracelet, as long as they’re willing to sell a kidney.
Not everyone, however, can provide their one-and-only with the gift of time. Show that special someone in your life how much you really care with a big ass bejeweled clock necklace. It’s the perfect blend of fashion and function.
She’ll appreciate the constant reminder of all that she needs to get done in the day hanging around her neck. And she’ll always know “what time it is” when you give her your best come hither look and suggestively lick your lips. Romance o’clock, baby!
Give her Thoughtful Vibrance
Cut flowers are soooo played out and pretty insensitive if you think about it: giving your sweetheart a bushel of freshly-murdered flora. Even weirder, flowers are the reproductive system for plants. So technically this gift is as thoughtful as putting roadkill ovaries in a vase.
Unless she’s weirdly into rotting vegetation, consider giving her a planter box of wheatgrass instead. It’s good for her and if cared for properly it should stay a vibrant green for months, serving as a constant reminder that her digestive health is always on your mind.
Get Her What She Really NEEDS
There’s so much wasteful consumerism surrounding gift-giving holidays, we wind up with a lot of junk. Your dear heart is bound to swoon at the sensibility of your economical approach.
But don’t just get her a replacement for that wonky old can opener, you need to pop for something truly proportional to your love for her, like a new vacuum. You can even wrap it up romantically.
Nurture Her Body
Any idiot can buy their sweetie a box of chocolates, so don’t be any idiot! It’s really not that much of a step up from purchasing her some candy bars during your last stop at a gas station.
Show her you love her with something that will nourish her body and soul without all of those sweet, delicious, mouth-watering empty candy calories and instead give her a fourteen pound turkey! Ladies love a guy who can provide a surplus of sustenance that’s a tasty and lean protein with B vitamins, selenium, zinc, and phosphorus.
So get her gobbling on some nice moist poultry to set the mood for the evening. Make sure that bird registers 165°F or you may be spewing the mood for the next few days.
Women Love a Project
Not every woman wants a man to do it for her. Some of them like a good project which is probably the reason why she started seeing you in the first place!
If you’re in a relationship with a do-it-yourselfer, consider buying her some furniture that requires full assembly. Or buy all of the tiles and materials for that bathroom remodel she’s been nagging you for so long about.
Don’t worry about helping her finish the project. If there’s one thing we’ve all learned about women it’s that they still love a man even when he can’t finish.
Buy Something for Yourself
She loves you. She loves seeing you happy. So imagine the gleam in her eye when she sees you enthusiastically using her Valentine’s gift every day. Get her a ride-on mower or that high-end lightsaber replica you’ve had your eye on. Whatever sparks joy in you!
Giving can be one of the most fulfilling acts a person can perform, so basically you’ll be giving her the gift of giving.
Give Her a Mystery
Everyone likes a little mystery in their life and there’s no better time for one than Valentine’s Day!
Move her keys randomly around the home! Hide a fancy piece of cheese behind a dresser! Enter her email into a bunch of subscriptions for the art of balloon twisting! Mail her an anonymous ransom note for a pet you don’t own!
The sky’s the limit when it comes to the number of things you can do to add a little intrigue in her life. The key is to get her thinking about what brought you together in the first place.
Make A Poem of Your Love
Teddy bears are great but there’s something just a little creepy about buying a stuffed animal for an adult you’re sleeping with. Instead write lovey dovey a poem like a grown ass adult! Don’t worry about rhyme or meter or talent, just let your heart speak. Feel free to use this as inspiration or go ahead and rip it off word for word:
Roses are red
My love is true
Now let’s get it on
Before my balls turn blue
The important thing is to not think too much about it, even though it’s the thought that counts. She’ll be so happy to see how sophisticated you’ve become!
So stop fretting! Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be an annual dread fest! Just follow these tips and you’ll be sure to have an unforgettable holiday that she’ll never let you forget.
