Decoding the Phrases of Marriage
Something strange happens to the English language when men get married. Like a cute little caterpillar that slowly turns into Mothra, the language you’ve understood for most of your life can take on a different, and often confusing, meaning.
Suddenly a misused word or phrase can have horrible consequences and the next thing you know you’re sleeping on your sister’s couch in Terra Haute, and not the nice part of Terra Haute, or even the good couch. More often than not, your new living arrangements were caused by a few simple verbal misunderstandings. So let’s unlock the language of marriage and translate it into something that everyone can easily understand.
Pronoun Problems
Beware the pronoun and its ability to cause problems in even the best of marriages. Typically pronoun problems involve the incorrect use of the word “we” instead of the word “you”. So be sure to use the right pronoun. Your marriage might just depend on it.
What she says: We really need to wash the dog.
What she means: You really need to wash the dog.
What men hear: At some point one of us should really wash the dog.
The Question That Isn’t
The Question That Isn’t often appears to be an actual question which can be the cause of most of the confusion. Upon closer inspection, however, the question being asked is really more of a polite suggestion. You can easily identify these non-questions as they usually start with the phrase “Do you think.” which of course most of us haven’t. If we’d have taken the time to think about it we’d probably already be doing what our spouse was “asking” about in the first place.
What she says: Do you think you’ll be warm enough outside with just a t-shirt?
What she means: Maybe you should put on something warmer like a coat over your t-shirt.
What men hear: That’s an ugly t-shirt. I’ve never liked it and I wish you’d put something over it.
The Call for Help
Whether it’s a call to a plumber to unclog a toilet or to a wildlife rescue service to get a badger out of the closet men view the Call For Help as a judgement on their handiness and overall masculinity. Often however it’s just a call to take care of an unpleasant task and not necessarily an unspoken statement about his ability to…ummm…perform.
What she says: I’m calling someone to fix the toilet.
What she means: I’m calling someone to fix the toilet.
What men hear: You’re incompetent and I’m leaving you for a plumber.
The Observation
The Observation is the flip side of The Question that Isn’t but with similar and devastating effects. The Observation is really meant to be a question but, instead, is usually understood to be a really dull way to start a conversation.
What she says: The grass is getting pretty tall.
What she means: You need to mow the grass before we lose one of the kids in the lawn.
What men hear: The grass is pretty tall.
The “Not Fine”
“I’m fine” is typically used to answer a question about how a person is doing but requires some careful attention. Was it followed with more words to indicate how really “fine” the person was or simply dropped like a dead rat in response to the question? If it’s just the two words followed by a cold and complete silence then trouble is on the horizon.
What she says: I’m fine.
What she means: I’m super pissed off because you forgot our anniversary.
What men hear: I’m super pissed off at you for not fixing the toilet.
The Trap
In case you missed the heading of this section THIS IS A TRAP. There is no hard and fast correct answer to The Trap because it requires some thoughtful consideration. Best to strap on a parachute and jump out of the nearest window.
What she says: How does this look?
What she means: Let me know how this outfit really looks and don’t just say “you look great.”
What men hear: Tell me I look fantastic in this outfit even if I’m wearing a Chewbacca suit.
Communication is the key to any successful relationship. With just a little forethought and some patience, these pitfalls can be avoided and, instead of heading to Splitsville, the two of you might be headed to Poundtown in no time. Or at least remain in the same zip code.
