Six Toys that Make You Go Huh?
There are bad birthday presents and then there are BAD birthday presents. And then there are the birthday presents that leave you scratching your head and wondering “what in the hell were they thinking?” The answer? They probably weren’t. However they came to be, these toys are out there lurking in darkest corners of the internet just waiting to destroy some poor child’s emotional stability and, perhaps, the very fabric of society itself. So please avoid these legendarily awful presents when planning your kid’s next birthday party…unless of course you really, really, really don’t like your child.
Fugglers – The Toys with Fake Human Teeth!
Starting off at the top of the list are Fugglers, the plush toys with teeth. Some things are meant to be together. Chocolate and peanut butter are a great combination. Kale and a garbage can pair nicely. Plush toys and teeth do not go well together unless, of course, you’re the kind of parent who wants to keep your kid in a constant and trembling state of anxiety for hours at a time. Concerned that Fugglers aren’t creepy enough? Worry no more! In addition to a full (and sometimes more than full) set of fake human teeth, some Fugglers have buttons for eyes. After all, nothing is more off-putting than a doll with buttons for eyes unless, of course, it’s a doll with teeth AND very realistic looking glass eyes. Every Fuggler comes with a complimentary visit from a priest schooled in the art of exorcism… at least it should.
You Can Shave the Baby – The Doll You Can Shave?
How many times have you looked at a doll and thought “Damn I’ll bet that infant could use a shave?” Never? Then you’re in good company…unless you’re the company that came up with very descriptive but less than catchy name for the next product on our list. Meet “You Can Shave the Baby” the doll you can…well…presumably shave if you wanted to. With its lush orange mane and thickets of ankle hair you might actually want to shave the baby but you can’t. The doll was originally created by the artist Zbigniew Libera as a “piercingly subversive play with stereotypes of contemporary culture” so unless you’ve got a hankering for unusual art and a pocketful of disposable income this toy is off the market. For a cheaper alternative consider picking up some hair trimmings at your local salon and supergluing them to a doll of your choice. Or not.
Erwin the Little Patient – The Plush Toy for the Curious Young Sociopath
Introducing Erwin the Little Patient, the plush toy with a chest cavity you can unzip like a suitcase! Erwin’s innards are filled with stuffed versions of all of your favorite internal organs including a heart, two lungs, a liver, a stomach, and much, much more! There’s even a full set of kidneys! Every organ is carefully constructed from plush fabric so your little sociopath in training doesn’t hurt his tiny wittle finners on a sharp edge or use the toy to bludgeon the family pet. When asked by their parole officers which toy they loved the most three out of four of Hannibal Lector’s kids agreed that it was Erwin the Little Patient!
Pole Dancer – The Little Stripper that Could
There are many different qualities parents look for in toys for their kids.
Music? Good.
Style? OK.
Flash? Errrrrr what?
These are all words used to describe the Pole Dance doll. In addition to music, style and whatever “flash” might be the tiny pole dancer also comes with a miniature stage and a disco ball and her parents’ dissappointment. The only things missing are a bouncer and a cover fee! Buy just one or collect the whole set for the young entrepreneur looking to manage a crew to dance the night away.
Baby’s First Baby – The Biological Wonder
Some people have an idea and ask “why?” Other people have an idea and ask “why not?” And then there are the people who didn’t question much of anything and sprang Baby’s First Baby upon an unsuspecting public. Baby’s First Baby is…well pretty self explanatory and appears to be specifically designed to confuse the hell out of inquisitive young minds. Is your little tyke curious about where baby’s come from? Instead of having an awkward conversation just give them Baby’s First Baby and let them try to figure it out (spoiler alert if they figure it out then please have them contact us because we’d really like to know too). And just in case Baby’s First Baby wasn’t enough of a head scratcher, Baby’s First Baby ALSO HAS A BABY. It’s like a biologically impossible set of Russian nesting dolls but only slightly less off putting.
The Thing with No Name and Teeth in Its Butthole
The words “gaping butthole with teeth” aren’t often used to describe a toy because THEY SHOULD NEVER EVER BE USED TO DESCRIBE A CHILD’S TOY!!! As such this toy which will be referred to as “The Thing with No Name and Teeth in Its Butthole” which, it turns out, is not exactly meant to be a child’s toy. Instead it’s a creation from the troubled mind of Joshua Ben Longo and developed as an artistic statement about…well something. Some time ago Longo wondered, as many of us have, “what would plush animals would look like with teeth…in their buttholes?” because art is in the anus of the beholder. Unfortunately Longo went a step further than just noodling about the idea and began creating them because, apparently, children these days need another reason to go into therapy. Yikes.
And there you have it. The top six toys that make you go “huh?” Thanks so much for joining us today and please be sure to grab a handful of mind bleach on the way out.
