[wife’s ringtone plays]

Me: “Heeeeyyyyy, sexy pants.”

My 5yo son: “Daddy?”

Me: [coughs] “Oh hey there, little guy!”

““Lucas (aka Not My Wife)

The phone can no longer be trusted, I have no assurances it’s actually going to be my wife anymore. Even during a school day I now have to wonder, maybe he left school early, or he was coughing a bit too rambunctiously and was sent home, or gypsies kidnapped the two of them and had my son place the ransom call, or whatever. I’ve got phone paranoia and now I have to keep it completely kosher when my wife’s ringtone sounds off or if I get a text from “her” saying: I love you. (Especially when it’s followed by a couple hundred random emojis).

““

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Breakfast has some tough challenges that are extremely tough before coffee.

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