Why Be Afraid of the Dentist When You Can Be Terrified

A lot of people are terrified of going to the dentist. Some eventually outgrow their fear, of course, but it’s safe to say it’s a bit of a pants-peeing experience for kids. Just look at it from their perspective.

“Okay, little [kid’s name]. Sit in this strange, slippery chair with the spotlight on it so the person in the white coat with the blue, rubber hands and the weird breath can put their face right up to yours. They need to so they stick sharp metal tools in your mouth, honey. Some of them are mechanical and make loud screeching sounds, but there’s nothing to worry about. Just sit back and relax, sweetie.”

Hah! Yeah right! We must sound like lunatics to our kids.

Whoever came up with the expression “there’s nothing to fear but fear itself” was an idiot. There’s plenty to fear in life besides fear, especially in a dental office. Dentists try to alleviate some of the anxious tension with smooth elevator music or floor-to-ceiling scenes of nature, but some dentist tried to go further for kids.

They kind of went off the deep end, it would seem.

Dentist: “Kids LOVE stuffed animals, right?”
(Not anymore!)

Dentist: “This’ll chill kids out.”
(Sure, with terrified goosebump-chills probably.)

Dentist: “Teddy bears might make them feel safe and secure.”
(Never do meth. Especially if you’re a dentist.)

Dentist: “How about hand puppets!”
(Oh my god! No! Just nope!)

Dentist: “Open wide!”
(I’m assuming there’s no extra charge for ruining cartoons forever.)

Dentist: “Maybe it’ll work if it’s a character they love?”
(Winnie the Nope.)

“You’ve got a friend in me!”
(Friends don’t creepily lurk in ceilings, Doc.)

Dentist: “Okay I got it. How about we let them practice brushing their teeth?”
(Stop it with the freaky stuffed animal monsters, you lunatic!)

Dentist: “What if we make it seem like they’ve been devoured by a child-gobbling giant?”
(What if you stop injecting Novocain directly into your brain.)