10 Worst Candies and What to Do with Them
It’s that time of year where kids go out trick or treating to load up on goodies. Only some goodies aren’t that great. We all have our preferences, yes, but then there’s what’s generally accepted as awful. So here’s a list of the top 10 bummer nuggets that get tossed into trick-or-treat bags and suggestions for what kids can do with them.
1) Good & Plenty
There are certainly plenty of them in the box, but the “good” part is nearly criminal false advertising. Also “plenty” implies a certain desirability, no one says they have “plenty of stab wounds.” It’s basically the candy that looks and tastes like pills to treat a heart condition. You see, black licorice is a flavor best served… never. But apparently, there are still enough weirdos that like the taste of iodine and chewing tobacco to keep this box of disappointment pellets in circulation.
What to do with them:
Sell them to a classmate as magic beans that will grow into a valuable deposit of crude oil in their backyard. Or trade them with friends as a cure-all medication called Placebo in exchange for actually edible candy. All kids know medicine is yucky so they’ll fall for it hard.
2) Necco Wafers
The flavor of pastels and dust, these chalky discs have been punishing kids since the year Edison was born. Come to think of it, maybe these aren’t so bad when it was a choice between them and some candied persimmons or wallpaper glue. In any case, they’ve now shut down production, so if you get them, they’re probably from last year’s Halloween, or any year dating back to 1847. You won’t be able to tell which.
What to do with them:
Mix equal parts crushed wafers to water, pour, and let set to fix that missing chunk of curb out front.
3) Candy Corn
Next up are candy corn, the treat with enough concentrated sugar to make your ancestor’s teeth ache. These are perfect for anyone with a sweet tooth who also likes eating candles. As an added bonus, when left in open air for longer than fifteen minutes, candy corn solidifies to a consistency that is almost as hard as human teeth.
What to do with them:
Hide them under a pillow in hopes that the Tooth Fairy’s eyesight isn’t so hot these days and leaves you a fiver before fluttering off to the nightmarish land of teeth he flutters off to.
4) Candy Buttons
One of the many treats out there that look sorta like an illicit drug but is actually mass-produced in factories for childhood consumption. These petrified sugar bumps really do look like something someone would sneak into a prison for “trade” and they taste like a gateway to other more hardcore sugars like powdered and crystalline.
What to do with them:
If you run out of all the good stuff, and you’re jonesing for fix, you can gnaw away at a bandolier of these as a last resort. You’ll even get some extra fiber in your diet from all the torn paper you’ll consequently consume.
5) Peanut Butter Kisses
Also from the makers of Necco Wafers—gets you thinking if this company really likes children at all. These “treats” have all of the fun of eating a peanut-flavored wad of paste without the clearly identifiable flavor of peanuts for some mysterious reason.
What to do with them:
Keep these treats for the summer months, put them out in the sun for a good eight hours and then use them to patch a blown semi truck tire.
6) Circus Peanuts
Ahh packing…err Circus Peanuts. It’s the candy that looks like it’s been stuck in a tanning salon for three months and tastes like styrofoam if styrofoam could throw up on itself. Fun fact: Circus Peanuts were once used by circus security and fired at rowdy patrons as non-lethal rounds. Not really.
What to do with them:
Seriously though. Use them as packing peanuts. And remember if you load enough of them in a pillowcase it’s really easy to throw them all in the trash in one trip.
7) Bazooka Gum
Until recently Bazooka gum came with a comic strip that kids could read as they gnawed some moisture into the solid slug of pink gum that was about as easy to chew as an eraser. Then you’d finally get that thrilling 10 seconds of pure, sweet bubble-gum infused saliva before it all turned in a tasteless, gooey sludge.
What to do with them:
Hoard them for years and slowly construct a bunker in your backyard capable of withstanding a low yield nuclear device.
8) Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie rolls: the candy that looks like a Dachshund turd and tastes like a piece of chocolate coughed on a piece of wax. Some people like them but, bear in mind, some people also drink their own urine as an alternative health routine.
What to do with them:
Who cares? Just don’t eat them. Or pair them with a crisp glass of piss if that’s your thing.
9) Fruit
Ahh fruit a.k.a. “nature’s candy” and the most passive-aggressive of Halloween treats. It doesn’t matter if it’s basic like an apple or raisins or exotic like kumquats. Fruit is given out by people who probably encourage someone with words like “You look so much less heavy since I last saw you!” Okay, maybe it’s just being offered kindly as a non-junk food alternative which is nice in theory but really just a letdown in practice. It’s not Healthoween, folks.
What to do with them:
Let them rot into moldy mush grenades and return them, from the sidewalk, at high velocity to the house that inflicted them upon you. Run.
10) Pennies
In the 1800s you could use one to buy a piece of ribbon or maybe even a fancy toothpick. Penny gumball machines were once a thing and if none of those happened to be around you could always stuff a handful of pennies in a sock in the event you were accosted by a crazed lumberjack. Now pennies are pretty much the equivalent of giving some a handful of metal washers or a bag of bolts except for the fact that washers and bolts cost more than a penny.
What to do with them:
Use them for special occasions! Like placing them solemnly on the eyes of any roadkill you discover on a bike ride. Or use them in a sock to defend yourself against a crazed lumberjack.
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Andrew says: 
