“MY WIFE JUST SAID…”
You just can’t invent the stuff that comes out of a woman’s mouth once she’s “passed a watermelon through the pinhole,” ceased sleeping and is married to someone.
My Wife Just Said… #261
She was right. Our son was in his room “playing” with action figures on the dog. The poor fluffy pooch was sitting there patiently but looked up with “save me” eyes. I extracted him with a finger wag to my son. “‹There’s an ability parents gain, deciphering the sounds and cries their babies and kids […]
My Wife Just Called for Help… #259
“HONEY! I need your help! … M-my bra is hooked onto my earring!” ““Elizabeth I ran into the room just as she was finishing the last sentence, and I actually tilted my head as I tried to figure out what I was seeing. She stood frozen in place with her arms up, her shirt […]
My Wife Just Said… #257
With so much to do as parents, some things filed in the “essential” category can get abruptly jammed into the “expendables” folder. We try to multitask, maximize and economize the crap-ton we have to do, AND get our kids to do. Sure, it’d be nice of parents didn’t have to have their kids put their […]
My Wife Just Said… #255
“You know the expression about ‘the two certainties in life: death and taxes’? When you have a kid, there are two more: dishes and laundry. Hmmmm… This could be a really long list.” ““Elizabeth That list could get soooooooo long. The internet has a bunch of jokes about the failed promise of hoverboards and flying […]
My Wife Just Said… #253
“Why’re you sticking!!!” Son: “What???” “I was talking to the pan.” Son: “But… but the pan is not alive.” ““Elizabeth & Our 6yo It’s funny that he was calling her out for talking to her cooking equipment, because an hour earlier was having an energetic discussion with a stick. They […]
My Wife Just Complained… #251
“I have a high tolerance for pain, but a very low tolerance for discomfort.” ““Elizabeth Hang on. What? Not sure how her statement makes perfect sense to me, but it kinda does. Science, and people who push large melon-sized things out of their bodies, have long claimed that women tend to have a higher […]
My Wife Just Swore… #249
“I never swear. Well… rarely. When I do, I usually say ‘motherf**king c**ksucker’.” ““Elizabeth One could easily describe my own speech as “colorful.” I like to think of statements as recipes, and swear words are some of the zestiest ingredients. My wife’s speech tends to be pretty bland as far as cursing is concerned, […]
My Wife Just Texted… #247
She was watching Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube one night, and immediately texted me about deforesting my face. I won’t call my wife a germophobe… because she’ll probably read this, so let’s just say she’s… incredibly hygiene-friendly. So, her horrified reaction at seeing something about poop-infused facial hair was no shocker. I promised her I […]
My Wife Just Said… #245
[Whispering] “I’m so sorry. He said he reeeeeally wanted Monopoly.” ““Elizabeth She said this after he tore off the wrapping paper and gasped with joy. I mouthed, “You owe me.” We both totally knew that I was the one who was going to be playing it with him. And by playing it with him, […]
My Wife Just Said… #243
My Wife: “Tell Han Solo I love him.” Me: “I know.” My Wife: “I hate you.” Me: “I know.” You might not believe this. WE can’t fully believe it! My partner in crime, Charlie, and I are going to the RED CARPET WORLD PREMIERE OF Star Wars: The Force Awakens!!! AT around 5pm PST! […]
