My Wife Just Said… #37
“Oh God! Gimme your water! Ow! Potato chip shrapnel going down my throat!” -Elizabeth
The Calories Burned by Parenting
It’s the holidays. Yay! We’ve all been double-fisting massive quantities of amazing food into our faces. Waistbands are beginning to groan in protest of the holiday splurging. Maybe some of us have nursed our guilt hangovers with super-protein-food-green-substance drinks, or spritzes of vinaigrette instead of avalanches of blue cheese dressing, it doesn’t matter. You get […]
Ass-kicking Staches
This is not a ’70s buddy cop show. Charlie and Andy have embarked on growing ass-kicking Movember mustaches. Who could argue with the statement that cancer needs its ass kicked? My Mustache’s the Only Abnormal Growth Here by Charlie Capen My wife won’t look me in the eye. My son dry heaves upon seeing […]
Part Deuce! Types of Diaper Loads
[ click the image to enlarge ] Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Of course, we’re going to do an Instructional Diagram about poop before the biggest eating holiday on Earth. We’re dads. Which means we’re men who are in the possession of babies. Do the math. It all equals poop jokes. We always knew […]
Shaving without Scaring the Kids
A major change to your hair, head or facial, is one of the fastest, most dramatic alterations to the way you look. Especially when you’ve had it a certain way for a long time and then toss a high-yield grenade of change at it. It can be very startling for others, especially your kids. So, […]
Godzilla vs. Baby
[ click the image to enlarge ] Consider this a crash course in emergency preparedness for expectant parents, or a badge of acknowledgement for those parents who’ve already made it through. Also, if there does actually happen to be an attack on your city from a giant monster born of atomic testing, know that […]
Manners that Don’t Suck
I’m going to sound like a pissed off old man. And I’m good with that. Bad manners are rampant. The way I see things going, manners these days are like harsh meanness and disinterested oblivion had a baby, and then that baby was handed a case of Red Bull and a shotgun. Hey, look! Our […]
The (Secret) Front-Middle Pocket
It’s the secret that everyone knows about. It doesn’t really have an official name because it isn’t spoken of, but if it were given a name it might be humorously called “the hand holster,” “pouch o’ grapes” or the “family jewel vault.” I like to call it simply and plainly the “front-middle pocket” or FMP. […]
The Chemistry of Combining Kids
When your kid or baby is getting introduced to another’s for the first time it can be a nervous thrill. Suspense! What’s going to happen? Are we going to get fun fizzy bubbles? Or an explosion? Perhaps a new virus? Sometimes 1 + 1 = WW3 If it’s the kid of friends or family meeting […]
