Time flies… so fast.
Tempus fugit. It’s a Latin expression that means “time flies.” I first heard this expression from my dad, who is Yale-graduate-level learned. I was a just a teen, so I had to either assume he’d freakishly sneezed or ask him what it meant. Tempus has been vigorously fugitting since I was a lad, so Googling […]
My Top 25 Parental Confessions
Bless me child for I have sinned. It’s been your lifetime since my last confession and I feel like I need to come clean. I have lied to you, stolen your property and coveted your dinner, as well as your youth. I am your father, but I haven’t always been a parent. I used to […]
Parenterms: “On Purpaccident”
Kids do things. Always. Let’s all admit that the mind of a child isn’t a just blank canvas or a field filled with giggling unicorns. It can be a pretty weird place and result in some pretty disastrous things. At a certain point kids start to get the idea that accountability plays into the some […]
A Letter From My Dead Father
I often ask myself why I write here. Who is this for? Do I think it’s even worth reading? This kind of writing can feel like the most self-centered exercise ever undertaken and I surely don’t post enough cat pictures or gossip to compel people to return. But today’s worth it. The reason, I’ve found […]
My Wife Just Said… #149
“Your snoring last night kept me up for hours. You sounded like a hyena choking on its own snot. Yes you were! I recorded it…” [ Presses play on her phone ] -Elizabeth I watched her nighttime video intently, more importantly I listened to it. Um. So yeah. We’re lucky a neighbor didn’t call […]
Kid Definishons: “Yesterday”
Young kids are about as good at making accurate time references as I am at rolling a ball of water in my hands. When a kid is describing something that happened, parents know that when they say “yesterday” that the word has an elasticity that stretches from a millisecond before now all the way back […]
Maximumble: Sex Ed Astronomy
FROM THE ARTIST, CHRIS HALLBECK: “I remember my mom telling me “The mommy and daddy kiss and he has a little squirt gun that shoots into her body.” I imagined a green plastic squirt gun in the back of his throat that squirted into her mouth and then went down to her belly where […]
BREAKING NEWS: Famed Humorist Found with Banana in Compromising Position
:: For immediate and premature release. :: Famed Humorist Found with Banana in Compromising Position Noted author, designer, illustrator and humorist, Andy Herald, was found this morning in a compromising position with a tropical fruit. Herald, a native Los Angeleno and pious wearer of iPod/iPhone earbuds, is well-known for his “instructional diagrams” and use of […]
What If ‘Full House’ Wasn’t Full?
Did you watch “Full House” growing up? I did. Each character had their shining and whining moments, but the character that never made any sense to me was Michelle. Yes, I’m talking about the cutesy Olson twins who played the single character whose sole purpose was comic relief by way of small smiles and giant […]
Notice Anything Different, Honey?
Hands on buzzers, people. What’s the exciting play-at-home game show of observation, memory and panic most couples have played, where one person is the unwitting contestant (or defendant) and the other person is host (or prosecutor) as well as being the game show board itself? It’s called Notice Anything Different, Honey? Let me explain. One […]
