Giving Yourself the Death Penalty
Kids are easy to hurt. Plain and simple. They’re little and tend to be uncoordinated, and compared to them we’re BIG and… tend to be uncoordinated. Look, we don’t even spank the boys in our house, so this isn’t some child abuser’s psychotic attempt at an excuse for going postal on one’s offspring. I’m talking […]
The Steps to Manhood
Various cultures have different marks of “becoming a man.” Sprouting chest hair, tearing a bottle cap off with your teeth, “knowing” a woman, wrestling a croc, to name a few. However, I noticed that there didn’t seem to be a lot of broad attention from most men on the more subtle steps that lead up […]
She. Is. MINE!!!
It all started out so subtly that it was probably already happening and we didn’t even notice. A sad face from Lucas. A pissed off frown and a pouty lip. Maybe we just wrote it off to some intense toddler farting in the beginning. Soon though, a pretty recognizable pattern started forming. I’d give Lizzie […]
“What is that thing on your face, Daddy!?!”
“What is that thing on your face, Daddy!?!” is what I hear my son, Lucas, thinking every time he comes at the camera I’m shooting him with. It’s got buttons, lights and it makes curious noises from time to time. And I put it up to my face. How could I blame him for […]
Go, Team Weird, Go!
I love being weird. And I love how weird my family is. I love my wife snatching my hand while I’m driving to use my finger as a microphone while lip-syncing to Barbra Streisand. Or when she says to me “Chocky wocky ‘n’ pom pom?” The fact that I know exactly what she means makes […]
Boogers. That’s right. Boogers.
Sugar free? Fat free? Packed with protein? Move over, bananas. Nature’s got a new perfect food! It seems like every kid is just wired from birth to pick their boogers and eat them. C’mon. At least once! But probably about a hundred times more than once. The fact that we adults have “all done it,” […]
Baby Reading The Paper
“Wow, they finally found Waldo! In Pakistan. Who would’ve thought…” “Thanks for the backrest, Sasquatch Legs.”
Easter Bunny: Not A Voracious Child-Gobbling Monster
Here’s a quick recap of our Easter experience, before the Internet’s ruthlessly short attention span makes it irrelevant and uninteresting. My father-in-law made reservations at a nice restaurant. He’s rad. When we walked into the place, he got even radder. Fountains, pillars, marble floors, this was gonna be yummy! Lizzie whispers to me “Oh, by […]
Parent Proofing
I’m alright with some basic baby proofing. For those of you without babies (and a low IQ) this has nothing to do with birth control. Cabinet locks are great for anyone who doesn’t want their kid freshening up their breath with Raid bug spray, sure. And some stick-on foam for the sharp corners of a […]
