Why are men on the pot so long? Secrets Revealed!
What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom… until now! “What exactly are you doing in the bathroom for so long?” It’s a question women have been asking men for ages. At least since the invention of the outhouse and quite possibly as early as the prehistoric time when holes were dug outside the […]
Dad’s First Diaper After the Baby Starts Eating Solids (Hilarious Video)
It’s been a very long time since I changed a diaper, but I clearly remember my first diaper change ever, and the first diaper change after we switched to solid foods. EVERY parent will remember this. Even if it’s not a picture-pefect stomach-churning flashback, we can all at least vaguely remember how shockingly horrible it […]
Things No Parent Ever Wants Stopped up
You see a LOT of jokes out there about the funny and not-so-funny poop expereinces parents endure. Heck! A huge percentage of those joke are mine. But there’s another kind of struggle that’s horribly real. The opposite of poop; when the little one just isn’t going at all and their mud dumper seems to be […]
28 Baby Photoshoots Gone Horriblariously Wrong (GROSS WARNING)
Professional photoshoots of newborns or babies can give parents some stellar shots, but predicting the weather is more accurate than predicting the “call of Nature” for babies, even if they just went. So, occasionally, these photo sessions result in some of the highest quality pics of little munchkins spraying their parents like a broken, high-pressure […]
The Frequency of Saying “Poop” (Graphed)
We all know what our top words and phrases are, the ones that would make us filthy stinking rich “if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said… ” You’ll find your vacubalury and speech change direction dramatically once you become the proud owner of your very own, brand new little human. After […]
My Wife Just Texted… #247
She was watching Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube one night, and immediately texted me about deforesting my face. I won’t call my wife a germophobe… because she’ll probably read this, so let’s just say she’s… incredibly hygiene-friendly. So, her horrified reaction at seeing something about poop-infused facial hair was no shocker. I promised her I […]
My Kid Just Drew… #59
5yo son: “I drew Mr. Poo and Mr. Fart.” Me: “Haha! Are they friends?” Son: “Of course they are!” [eye roll] “”me and my son, Lucas (2015) Some things are so obvious, you’re just begging for an eye roll when you ask, or even dare to raise an inquisitive eyebrow. I guess I really should […]
Baby Sleep Positions: “The Biohazard”
People with a little baby are never “awake” or “asleep” in the black-and-white senses of the words. Parents exist in the gray area between. The varying degrees of “trying to sleep” and “fighting to stay awake.” You’re always on call. Waiting. Ready to respond. It’s very late. You’re asleep, or wrestling the ninja crocodile […]
The Diaper Changing Warzone
That first poop-filled diaper. It’s a doozy. It’s like a poop mitzvah. It separates the pros from the amateurs. I remember mine well. I feel like an aid worker on the beaches of Florida after the BP oil spill if the oil had been shot out of a human butt cannon. Those are magical times. […]
Parenterms: “Poouquet”
Like finely crafted wine, you can tell a lot by the fragrances of things, though in this case, a really groady cheese might be a more fitting analogy. Normally a wine’s bouquet refers not just to the first nostril impression of a particular grown-up grape juice, it also refers to the scent (or stank) it […]
