7 Tips for Sleep-Deprived Insomniacs

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7 Tips for Sleep-Deprived Insomniacs

Insomnia is one of the most perverted jokes life can play on parents who are getting horrible sleep. It’s like getting nauseated at the sight of food even though you’re starving to death.

Cruel are the hours, with the little one asleep at last, when all is quiet and dark and you find yourself in a death-match staring contest with the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. And you know that every minute that passes is another shovel-full on the pile of crap you’re going to feel like tomorrow.

So! Seven. It is both the number of tips on this list for inadverdently-sleepless parents as well as, coincidentally, the number of times I figure that I would have to punch myself in the face to achieve unconsciousness.

1) Skip a night, gain a day.

Hey, why fight it? When you know the little one is probably gonna keep you up half the night, just skip it. Stay up all night long! It’s almost like you’re living longer, even if it’s also like you’re dying faster.

2) That’s a spicy meat-a-ball!

Eat massive amounts of garlicky pasta right before bed. Chase it with a nice chianti if that’s your style. Fava beans are not necessary. Sure, you’ll regret it in the morning, but it will put you out.

3) Ahhh, the good ol’ days…

Some people can make themselves pee by thinking of flowing water when it just isn’t coming, so why couldn’t that work for sleep? I don’t mean taking up bedwetting. I mean imagining a time when you slept deeply, or at all. It doesn’t matter if it’s a time you crash landed on a couch during a Twilight Zone marathon or that witch’s curse of a sleep you get as a child.

5) Yeah, step four, whatever.

Counting skills get pretty shaky when the measurement of a night’s rest is reduced from the increment of hours to minutes. Try practicing on sheep. Counting them may not work to put you to bed (it doesn’t for me), but at least in the morning you’ve improved your chances of being able to count to ten without using your fingers. Win / sort of win situation.

6) Homeopathy.

Most people know this word just as “some alternative health thingy” or the expensive stuff at Whole Foods, but what it actually means is “the treatment of disease by administering natural substances that in a healthy person would produce symptoms of the disease.” So, for insomnia, just drink a ton of coffee! Maybe you can just sorta break on through to the other side and wind up in a twitchy coma of sorts. Even if it doesn’t work, the next day your child may be delighted by the crazy look in your eyes as you repeatedly smash into furniture.

7) Unconsciousness is almost like sleep.

Seriously. Punch yourself in the face 7 times (or however many times it takes). Try to avoid your nose, it’s probably hard to sleep with one that’s just been broken.

“”

It’s true, not very sound advice at all. But what’d you expect from someone with 3 hours of sleep… Zzz Zzz Zzz … whu? Huh? Why is my computer still on? Gross! I got drool on my iPhone screen.

46 Comments

  • Wendy says:

    I live on coffee. I have suffered insomnia, and that was before kids. I kind of miss the long nights where I didn’t have anything to do. Now if I’m up during the night it’s cleaning or changing sheets or getting covered in snot comforting a crying toddler.
    Once I watched golf to try to bore myself to sleep. Hours of golf. And still didn’t get sleepy. And now I’m a golfer. πŸ™‚

  • Lizzie says:

    I’m going to try all 7 πŸ˜‰ and if I survive will I get a prize?

    • andy says:

      Oh my sweet love, yes, along with my love and admiration, yeah, you will most certainly get a prize.

  • Stephanie G says:

    What’s sleep? It sounds wonderful, yet hard to obtain…

    • andy says:

      I think there’s some of it under the Na’vi Home Tree on the planet Pandora. It is well defended and a bit of a ways off.

  • Stephanie G says:

    πŸ™ looks like I’ll never get it…oh well, at least I have some cute kids to make up for it!!

  • Shane says:

    Breast milk works wonders for curing insomnia…wait, that was my daughter. ME, on the other hand, I’m up at 2 A.M. with a full pot of coffee brewing.
    Nice list. I think the bottle of chianti works best. Or valerian.

    • andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha! Laughing my breast milk off over here. Ha ha ha ha!

    • Adriana says:

      lolz. I was just gonna that only worked on my kids. I am tempted to drink my sons melotonin,or become a crack addict.

  • Rusti says:

    seriously – you guys make me laugh πŸ™‚ this is great… we’re not getting much sleep right now – but the blame falls solely on 2yr molars… *yawn* darn teeth, who needs em?

    • andy says:

      Thanks. Hey, wouldn’t it be great if teething happened around the age when kids moved out?

      • trea says:

        LOL Oh that would be such and awesome pay back for all parents have to put up with! but the down side would be half of those kids would just come home early for college and teething would be FAR too much for them… though with all the drinking most do might work… At least the “wisdom” teeth ones…
        What helps me sleep is to finish projects… things that I think about at night trying to go to sleep… get them done and out of MY HEAD! Well that and warm whiskey… nothing like a night cap…

  • Mark says:

    Cool site guys! Great writing and very funky layout! Check out my vastly more amateur blog at mullerunlimited.com

  • Mark says:

    when I say amateur …. πŸ™‚

  • mom_mission says:

    I’m sure you’re sick of suggestions, but have you tried chiropractic adjustments? My mom was an insomniac (she blames it on menopause) and I finally dragged her to the chiro and she has been sleeping better than ever.

    • andy says:

      Thanks for the suggestion. The only kind of comment we ever get sick of is spam.

      Yeah, Lizzie has a great chiro. Constant challenge there still for her though. Me personally? I’m just really good at beating the s##t out of the Sandman when he comes around to sprinkle sleepy sand in my eyes, so he doesn’t come around as much, and when he does he comes quietly, from behind and with a really big stick. πŸ˜‰

  • niel says:

    Melatonin is a really nice natural way to fall asleep, and when I had to go to work in the morning it was a fantastic cure for insomnia. But being the stay-at-home parent now, I know I need to be available to get a bottle, change a dirty diaper, or watch a few hours of Dora the Explorer so sleep can wait till the kids are a bit more self sufficient.

    • andy says:

      It is. You kinda get to be a pro at managing sleep as a parent. Keeping it away and bringing it on.

      Sleep:
      chamomile, melatonin, tryptophan, calcium/magnesium, blunt force trauma to the head

      Awake:
      an apple, coffee, NoDoze, using an upside-down cattle prod as a pogo stick

      πŸ˜‰

  • Tip number 8 give up blogging. You know it’s what keeps you up late at night!

  • Kyrian says:

    This is a wonderful insight, I’ll give it a trial.

    • andy says:

      Please don’t actually punch yourself in the face though! This post was not intended as actual good advice. Or advice at all. πŸ˜‰

  • Mary says:

    Andy, here are my sleep tips for you: 1)Rocking – babies like to be rocked to sleep right? It could work for you too. If you don’t have a rocking chair, just sit on the floor, hug your knees and gently rock back and forth. 2)Tongue trick – As you lie in bed, inhale through your nose while touching your tongue to the roof of your mouth, then exhale through your mouth, letting your tongue drop back down. Repeat for 2-3 minutes. 3)Thumb trick – As you lie in bed rub the inside edge of your thumb (on the side facing your index finger) for about a minute, then repeat on the opposite hand. This acupressure spot corresponds to the pineal gland in the brain, which is responsible for secreting the sleep hormone melatonin. 4)Don’t watch tv or use iPads or any other gadget in bed. Try reading an actual book instead. Reemember those? 5)Have some really hot sex and a huge orgasm. Works like a charm πŸ™‚

    • andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! This is amazing and strangely the steps are slightly arousing to imagine doing. I’m going to print it out and go to town on #5 with a highlighter pen before showing it to Lizzie. Ha ha ha ha!

      But I’ll actually try all of these, no joke. ESPECIALLY #5 though. No joke. Ha ha!

      Great comment!!!

    • trea says:

      Will have to try your #2 and 3 the acupressure spot… #5 you kind have to have some one who’s good enough to get you to that point… or willing to learn how >_> nice thought though. fully agree about #4 stupid Pintest keeps me up for HOURS… HORRIBLE invention/idea… but if you can’t sleep may as well spend hours and days on it if you can

    • jess says:

      omg, for my entire life I have done the thumb thing as I fall asleep. My little boy does it too. I always just assumed it was a comfort thing like thumb sucking is!

  • Jannette says:

    Huh?? What?? I really don’t know if it’s just a dream of me reading this at 3am, or am I foreal reading this??? :/

  • Shilpa says:

    Now, for some inexplicable reason, (sleep deprivation), I’m imagining a scene from the original Star Trek…

    Hot green alien chick, with massive bags under her eyes : Captain Kirk, what is this thing you humans call “sleep”?
    Captain James T Kirk, probably without his shirt on : With all… your modern… advancements your…. species… has made how… have you never… learned to… sleep?!

    I’ll get my coat…

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha! We often have to tell moms that this website is for PARENTS not just dads, but it should also be known that it’s also for hot green alien chicks as well. And tribbles. I think the Kingons prefer College Humor though.

  • Juliasd says:

    I have a ridiculous sleep trick that gets my mind off my day and sometimes gives me pretty neat dreams. I tell myself a story. Another alternative is subscribe to podcasts or podiobooks or go to Librovox for some public domain goodies and listen to stories. You’ll pass out halfway through, guaranteed. And it’s free, so it doesn’t matter if you have no idea what the story was about in the morning.

  • Kat says:

    I have a tip. The last insomniac I told this to looked at me like I was insane and backed away slowly, but I’ll tell you this has been working for me for years. Maybe ONLY me. But whatever, it might be worth a try. It’s weird, so I’m only telling you this because I love you and you already know I’m weird, but don’t tell anybody else how weird, okay? ha.

    It goes like this. I’m not sleepy but I know I need to get in bed and fall asleep to have so many hours, yadda yadda… I lay in bed. Sleep does not come. So I do my trick – I think about my toes. I imagine them to be rag doll toes, made of cloth and full of fluff or sand. As soon as I have them nice and rag-dolled out and relaxed. I move on to my feet, do the same thing, then ankles, calves… I never recall making it past my thighs, because I’m sound asleep by then, on a rough night. On a regular night I only get to my ankles.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha! So crazy… IT JUST MIGHT WORK! I love it, if just because it made someone back away slowly. πŸ˜‰

      • Bonnie says:

        I do something very similar. I imagine that there are lots of lighted rooms in my brain (one for each body part) and go around turning the lights off, works every time!

  • Ashley says:

    I despise math, so I usually think up crazy math problems and try to solve them in my head.
    sometimes I use this relaxation technique my high school theater teacher taught us. Lie down comfortably, then using your index finger, slowly make circles on your scalp, above your ear. Start with small circles and gradually make them bigger, while imagining your whole body gradually being enveloped by the swirling feeling, starting with your head and working down to your toes.
    If I could put down my iphone and actually do either of those things, I’d be in great shape!!!

    • Andy says:

      Math to put you to bed is basically punching yourself in the face with your mind. So I completely respect the idea. As far as the swirling technique, I am a complete touch junkie so I’m doing this for an hour tonight even if I can barely keep my eyes open.

  • HazelBroadway says:

    Pretty funny that the ad next to this piece is for the wine bra. Yes, that was my go-to option before kids. A glass of red wine or a stout beer or three and lights out, baby.

  • Desiree says:

    I’m not sure I remember sleep.

  • Jo says:

    Ha! She said pineal!!! Hehe, sorry I couldn’t resist. I am terrible insomniac. Back when I had satellite tv, I would watch countless hours of QVC (the shopping channel). Ohmyeverlovingsoul…talk about mind numbing. That was also when my little’s were very little and still breast feeding and such so that didn’t help me much. I’m no longer breast feeding (my youngest is 16 and her older brother went to heaven 8 years ago, when he was 10) bet I still don’t sleep. ::>_<::

  • Aimee says:

    Heavy duty narcotic sleeping aids are the answer for meeeee!

    • Andy says:

      Don’t you mean, “Heavy duty narcotic sleeping aids are the answer for Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”? πŸ˜‰

  • kim says:

    Insomnia was way worse in college, but this baby-induced sleep deprivation has gone on for much longer (9 years). I have never been able to stay awake through a math lecture though. And delivered by a lifeless old man is the most powerful sleep aid. There must be recordings of these things somewhere.

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