My Mustache’s the Only Abnormal Growth Here

by Charlie Capen

My wife won’t look me in the eye. My son dry heaves upon seeing my upper lip. Children run screaming when I appear. And people always seem on the verge of asking me a burning question…

So, let me answer that question for you:

I’m growing this mustache for YOU.

Creepy guy or hipster: is there a thinner line? No.

In the Beginning

The orders were clear: shave your face on November 1st and grow that stache all month. I forsook all the hard work I’d done growing a crappy Keanu beard. I went to my local “Art of Shaving” joint and they took my face to task, like a logger on amphetamines, tearing down every follicle I’d had with sweet aromatherapy oils. It was the closest shave I’ve ever had. My skin was soft for days.

But that was a problem. I’m not a hairy guy. I’m sure there are 15 year old girls in China with more hair on their bodies than I do. I was self-conscious about my face fuzz prowess. But I came to realize, as the weeks went by, that my lack of immediate lip sweater growth became a secret handshake. I’d see guys on the street and they’d hold up their hand for a high-five. “Movember?”

“Yessir, damn right,” I would respond.

Where We Stand

We have only three days left on this thing. We still need your help. Please donate whatever you can. If you have have lost someone (like I lost my dad) or know someone who has cancer, please do us a favor and help kick cancer in the nuts — Go to our Movember Page!

My father, his mustache & his 5x too tight shorts.

Diving into the deep end of facial hair in the name of cancer has been both heartwarming and heart wrenching. I’ve been constantly surprised by how many people actually know about Movember and why I decided to grow this weak welcome mat on my face.

Men’s Cancer Is Harder to Fight Than Women’s

by Andy Herald

Did I just write that out loud? Yes, yes I did. Read on and you’ll actually agree with me.

Cancer is really gender-blind. It’s only because of the unique… “equipment” each gender has that there’s even such a thing as men’s and women’s cancers. And fighting cancer is all about raising awareness and funds for research and treatment.

So, on the women’s side of the fence you’ve got breasts as the symbol of women’s cancer awareness. Say what you will, boobs are a symbol of beauty and motherhood. Much better than ovaries, which don’t have the same appeal. It’s true. No mom has ever had to cover their kid’s eyes in a movie theater because of a gratuitous ovary shot, and you’re not going to find a bunch of marble statuary of overies laying around the older parts of Europe either.

Now, on the men’s side, the chosen spokes-body-part for men’s cancer? The majestic prostate! An obscure body part that can only be accessed through a man’s butthole. Yay. The alternative: testicles. So, it’s a bit of an uphill battle, you see, promoting the war on men’s cancer with a set of balls or a mysterious rectum-dwelling organ on your flag.

I Am a Movember Cheater

For Movember, apparently you’re supposed to shave yourself bare on Nov 1st and then grow out a mustache through the month. Well, I knew I couldn’t make that drastic a change without making my 2yo, Lucas, run screaming from the barefaced freakshow I would’ve become to him. And I thought, how amazing would my stache be if I broke the rules and just let my beard go? See for yourself. Try to grow THIS in a month!

Our Facebookers voted that I should shave to a Burt Reynolds stache, but I got worried I’d screw it up. So just imagine they made an Old West version of the Cannonball Run.

Obviously, it’s “cheating.” But, we’re fighting cancer here, people! And on top of it all, with the prostate, we’re not working with a very cuddly biological mascot. I figure that if I ever had to get into the ring with Mike Tyson, I wouldn’t hesitate to put rocks and explosive-tipped arrows in my boxing gloves. I know no one is going to call a foul on me. This is CANCER! We need to put its ass into orbit.

Donate to the cause! And if you don’t donate, at least SHARE THIS POST and help raise awareness. Look, these aren’t mustaches Charlie and I are wearing. (Shut it, no they’re not dead rodents we glued to our faces either.) They’re stealth bombers made of hair! Their target? The devastation and loss caused by cancer. Press the red button!