Horribly DESPERATE Ways to Nudge Your Lover (The Last of the 50)
WARNING: Use these desperate measures with extreme caution! They’ve got more likelihood of bad side-effects and total backfire than any of the previous suggestions and are used at your own risk.
You’ve tried nearly everything to drop an entire bag of clues on your special someone that you need lovies. NEARLY everything. This is the “Break in Case of Emergency” list of things to try. Few in their right mind would have actually tried the forty previous suggestion, but for those still in their wrong mind who also still have a strong, aching need for some next-level material:
Here are the final and most desperate suggestions!
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#41 Reverse-KidnappingSend the little ones away. You love ’em, yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that caring for them is probably the number one reason your Nearest and Dearest isn’t your Sweetest and Sexiest so much right now. So reverse-kidnap them! Pay a ransom to grandparents, a family you’re close with or a summer camp to take them on for an extended period, so you two can get it on, for an extended period. (It doesn’t matter if it’s nowhere near summer, with enough money padding a handshake with the right camp counselor, it’s summer any time of year!)
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#42 RedecorateSome women think it’s sexy when a man gets his interior design on. Send a clear message with the purchase of… a new couch! If this focal point doesn’t get your point across that you’re desperate for intercourse then at least you have the chance to blackmail her with something too heavy for her to move out by herself. Your demands: the couch stays unless it’s replaced by another vagina. |
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#43 A Message in the SkySkywritting. Yes. You can get that desperate. The call or text you make for her to look out the window at the sky will be something you’ll both never forget, no matter what the response is. If it works, it may be the most costly sex you’ve ever had, but it could also be the best. Plus, you’ll have the heroic satisfaction of knowing you may have made several hundred other fast-thinking men steal credit and get lucky with their sweethearts. |
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#44 Nothing Says I Want You Like……Wearing her panties? Okay, maybe this is not for every couple, but make no mistake, she’ll know you’ve got sex on the brain when she sees your “grapes in a sling” rendition of her thong. She just might be a little confused and dismayed about what kind of sex. |
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#45 Lewd CallHold your breath before you call so you’re already breathing heavily when she answers or the voicemail beeps. Start whispering all the nasty, dirty, sexy things you want to do to her. Don’t worry, she’ll know who it is with the caller ID functions of just about every phone these days. And if not, then at least you can swoop in later and comfort her in her distress as she tells you about the freakazoid who assulted her on the phone. And by comfort I mean have sex, of course. |
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#46 Sex Marks the SpotA good treasure hunt is exhilarating and romantic. Make a “treasure” map with a dotted line to an X marked in your backyard or, if you don’t have one, a really open-minded friend’s yard. Leave the map where she will find it FOR SURE, but where any kids you may have WILL NOT. Grab a sleeping bag and use that same open-minded friend to bury you naked in the ground with an X marked in flour or talc over the loose soil covering you. (Make sure to use the sleeping bag so you’re not covered in grass, dirt clods and worms. And make sure your head is above ground so the treasure she discovers is still alive when she finds it.) |
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#47 BegGet down on your knees and beg. Pull down frantically at the fabric of her clothing for added effect. Look! It’s really got a bad name, begging does. It’s worked off-and-on for thousands of years! So, give it the old “everything else has failed” shot. You will completely forget losing a little dignity by the time you are melting into your pillow, breathless and totally, blissfully spent. And if it doesn’t work, you’re probably going to be thinking too hard about sex still to fit in much self-loathing or embarrassment. |
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#48 BARRY FRIGGIN’ WHITE!!!I’ve said it four times before in all the previous parts of 50 Ways to Nudge your Lover and I’ll say it again! Barry friggin’ White, people!!! But since we’re at Defcon Desperate, try installing a wireless surround sound system throughout your entire home and turning the volume up to 11. Don’t worry if you break off a knob getting there, that means it’s working. |
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#49 TattooSexual tattoos are for life, but the chances are you’re probably going to be interested in sex for about that long, sooooooo… I didn’t say these ideas were great or even good! Look in the title! Can you say “HORRIBLY DESPERATE,” boys and girls? Just make sure the tattoo is classy. |
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#50 Time TravelYou don’t actually have to solve the mystery of time travel. Just buy or rent a Delorean. Now, screech up to the house, rev the engine or crash into some trash cans to get her attention. When she comes out, scramble over and grab her by the arm, explaining as you drag her to the car that you two need to go back to the past, when you two had sex more often. She’ll probably think the performance is so odd and romantic and amazing that she’ll want to see if she can get 1.21 jiggy-watts in the cramped “fluxing capacity” of the stainless steel sports car. |
This is it. The end. The last of the 50 Ways. I hope you enjoyed the series, and as odd as this sounds, I hope you get extremely and repeatedly lucky!
-Andy
Andy is wanted in seven states for being dumb and impersonating doctors and medical staff of one form or another, including but not limited to a bed pan sanitation technician. And despite what he may say, or which papers he may produce, there is no such thing as Explosiology.
[ See 1-10 ]
[ See 11-20 ]
[ See 21-30 ]
[ See 31-40 ]
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