Lives Flashing Before Your Eyes

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Your Kids Lives Flashing Before Your Eyes

They say when you have a near death experience, your life flashes before your eyes. I’ve never had that. Don’t mistake my meaning though, I’ve had near death experiences aplently. Hair standing on end, mouth flooded with the metallic taste of adrenaline, testicles making an emergency evacuation up inside my body. Yes. But never the >>>> fast-forward mental recap of all my wanderings in the world.

This story isn’t about me though. And it is. Any story about your kids is always about you in some way, isn’t it? Sometimes in every way. This is about two of my sons, Max and Cody. It was eight years ago, when they were only 3 and 5 years old.

They’re standing there dripping wet in the kitchen. Dripping of pool water. Dripping of guilt. The drops are taking a year to hit the ground as I take in what I’m seeing. Max is wet from head to toe and Cody is drenched up to his chest.

Cody and Max 2006Cody and Max, 6 and 8 years old here.

Like Sherlock Holmes deducing a scene from pure observation, I saw in my mind’s eye what had happened: when I was fixing something in the apartment, they snuck out and went to the pool. Cody had undone the latch on the pool gate. He could climb like a monkey and had reached the five-foot-high latch. He had obviously watched me undoing it before. I had seen him studying me. Absorbing. Learning. I didn’t worry though. Oh, I worried all the time. Every parent does to one degree or another. But I didn’t choose to focus on that thing, that moment, that pool gate latch.

I’m standing frozen in the kitchen, my numb hands clutching a plate, as the two of them shuffle their feet nervously. I ask the question that I already know the answer to, “How did you guys get soaked?” My tight throat is making my voice sound funny. “We… uh… we were at the pool,” Cody says. The pause sends lighting down my spine.

Oh my god I already knew what had happened and I didn’t want to be right! MAX WAS ONLY THREE!!! I asked what happened in the safest tone I could manage, so they wouldn’t try to lie.

“Max went down the steps into the water.” My breathing stops as he continues, “He was under the water for a long time and then I knew he couldn’t get out so I went in and grabbed his hair and pulled him out.” As he’s speaking, both their short lives are flashing before my eyes.

Is there a way to die when you hear something and still be alive? Yes. I tell you yes, there is. I choked back the tidal wave of self-loathing and bit down on tears before they could be seen by my boys, and just hugged them as hard as I could without letting them know how dire the moment was, hoping they couldn’t feel the chill emanating from the ball of ice in my stomach.

From that moment and into the rest of that night, I was in a sort of shock at what had almost happened. As I’m writing this, I’m almost unable to see the screen with any clarity, this story is really rough to tell. I’m so glad to have my sons. My heart goes out to every parent who has suffered the most devastating blow life can deliver to a parent. Losing your child.

I bumped into an older dad who had just lost his child a few months after it had happened. He was in a living nightmare. I could see the pain in his eyes as we passed each other with token greetings. He turned to me. “Hey Andy. … …” I stood and waited, calm and silent. I wanted to hug-crush him, but his pain was his own, it belonged to him, and I respected it. “Andy, you have kids, right? Two?” I said yes. He nodded for a long moment. Then he patted my arm and seemed to lift himself a little as he walked away, reassured that the world was not a flaming ball of s##t waiting to burn and swallow each and every one of us at any second. I felt proud that having my boys, just having them, and them being okay, seemed to help this poor, devastated man.

My survivor, me and my hero.

So, Cody and Max were having it out about something in front of me yesterday. They’re always at each other’s throats, but, Cody chuckled “Shut up, I saved your life,” punching him in the arm. Max chuckled too but there was a loud silence to it all, a soberness. We were all together, here and now, looking back on a funeral that never took place.

““

I normally answer back to nearly every comment on my posts, but I won’t on this one. Please understand. But know that I read and appreciate each and every one.

When you read this, Cody, my amazing son, as you most certainly will one day, please know that I thank you for saving Max’s life with every fiber of my being. And for saving mine. From what it would have been.

59 Comments

  • Liesbet says:

    Ooooh. Brrr. Shivers. Tears. Sooo glad that your boys are all right, Andy, and I hope you will never have to live through a moment like that (or worse) EVER again…

  • OddDay says:

    I’m so glad everything turned out alright for your family. Today is the 10 year anniversary of my brother’s death. I have a terrible fear that my family is cursed, my brother died as a teen, my aunt died as a teen, the lineage goes on, all unforseeable accidents. I have nightmares about this happening to one of my kids. I again, am so very very glad that your family is safe.

  • Jessica Ferg says:

    Thanks for sharing. So glad you have a boy smart enough to realize his brother needed help. Also glad they are both here today. I know losing a loved one is hard but I feel the loss of a child would be far worse. Keep those boys smart and safe and I hope I can remember that if it looks like my son is learning something like opening a safety gate that I don’t brush it off.

  • Tracy says:

    I’m reading this today, Monday, after our community suffered a devastating loss this weekend. A 17 year old girl’s car veered off of the road and drove into a pond. She was unable to get out, but was able to make a frantic 911 call as her car filled with water. Her submerged car was found two hours later. Having an 18 year old daughter, and a 15 year old who just got her permit this weekend, the story of this young girl hits too close to home. We are so blessed to have our kids, but life is fragile. Things change in the blink of an eye. May we continue to be blessed…

  • the muskrat says:

    So so so glad this story has a happy ending.

  • Niki A says:

    As a classic worrier mom, it made me almost throw up to hear that story. I could instantly relate, and know what it feels like. I see those same almost funerals in things that happened and things that might happen (terrible car crashes that could’ve been). My friend told me that as a parent, you get to save a life every day to try and make me feel like being a mom was important, but it kinda just fed my worry about what happens if I had to use the bathroom one of those times I needed to save a life, or if my snap judgement wasn’t good enough one day. So happy you have your boys with you and that you have a happy ending.

  • jessie says:

    wow, i couldn’t even read this word for word – had to skim because I knew what happened right away. so scary, i can’t even imagine. thanks for sharing and i’m glad it was a happy ending.

  • Adam says:

    I hate crying at work.

  • Tilly says:

    My stomach is is knots 🙁 I’m sorry you experienced this- and your poor boys. But, Thank God they are ok!

  • Alan says:

    Thank you for sharing this.
    I have two boys. One 6 and one almost two. I am the classic worrier type to begin with and having children hasn’t helped that. Every day I try to find a balance between not interfering with their explorations at all and being a stifling, protective parent.
    I continually tell myself that worrying isn’t going to make life any less dangerous, but I still do. The best thing I think I can do is try and teach them how to make wise decisions when presented with choices.
    I see how well they play together, how they are naturally protective of each other, and how much they love each other. Hopefully when a tragedy comes, as it always does in life eventually, they will be there for each other as your boys were.

  • Jennifer says:

    That is really scary, and the terrible realisation that the line between alive and dead is exactly that…a line, there is nothing in between. My heart sinks every time I hear of a child drowning or being killed by a car, one minute alive and healthy, the next, well…not. I’m going to share this post because you never know, it may be the thing that makes someone..maybe me? that bit more careful and avoid that cold , sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realise there’s no turning back from a horrible horrible situation. Thank you!! Jennifer.

  • Stephanie says:

    Wow, man. That was chilling. I have two boys two years apart.My oldest has Autism , he’s four. My youngest is two and he already looks out for his big brother. This story made me hug my babies tight, and thank my youngest for being there. He looks out for his big brother when I can’t. When something like that happens, everything just falls away, and all that’s left is what really matters…it’s left right there in front of you for you to take a mental snapshot of and carry with you forever.

  • Robyn says:

    Knot. In. Throat. So, so glad that your boys are OK. Thank you for writing this and the way you wrote it. I had a similiar experience with my son once. I left him with the babysitter and went out the back door. The sitter was getting the baby settled in and my son slipped out the back door – unbeknownst to either of us. I was backing out of the driveway and saw my sitter standing on the porch, so I stopped to see what she wanted. As I stopped and rolled down the window, I saw my 2 year old walk from behind my SUV. I was sick for days thinking of what might have happened – and thankful that it didn’t.

  • Brimag says:

    “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone. They can sure scare the life out of us. Glad your boys are ok.

  • Boomerhank says:

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a unique way of describing your feelings, Andy – I think all of your readers, including me, felt with you in every word you wrote. Thank you for making us aware of the gift we have in our children, once again.
    The responsibility of keeping your kids safe is something you just can not prepare for before you have them, and then the worry about their well-being and safety accompanies you every minute. And it is so scary how easy it is to “fail”! I think all of us have had a similar experience already, have a “funeral that never took place” ingrained in their minds.
    I have three kids on my own, ages 1 to 5, and every night, while watching them sleeping soundly in their beds, I am so grateful they’re safe and healthy, and hope their guardian angels will remain watchful even in those moments when my eyes are distracted and I can’t watch out for them on my own.

  • Michelle says:

    This post hit very close to home for me. I know the feeling. I know the realization (like others) that everything you have can be swiped from you within a second. Mine happened 2 years ago when my daughter was 15 months old. Unbeknownst to me she could open a front door, a screen door, a porch door and walk down 3 steps into our front yard. I was cleaning the house and I looked around and couldn’t find my baby girl. I started calling her and I heard a faint voice outside “she’s out here”. I went out and there were two women near her in the middle of the street on the other side of our truck. They were blocking traffic. They stayed with her until I rushed over, tears streaming down my face. What if they weren’t there? What if she had walked in front of the truck and into the street right at the moment that one of those cars passed? I cried for a very long time after that. I couldn’t get past the what ifs and the how close. I’m tearing up writing this. It’s close calls and small miracles that remind us how we can never drop the ball, not for one second. And to make sure our children always know how much they’re loved.

  • Ryan says:

    Dude.

  • Monica says:

    I have to attend a funeral tomorrow night for a friend of ours who lost his son. I can not imagine their pain and I thank God each day that my son is here and healthy. Thank God your story doesn’t end with a funeral.

  • Pap says:

    Thanks for sharing…we plan to sign baby Dexter (5 months) up for swim lessons as soon as they will accept him!

  • Soren says:

    We have a pool on our farm. It has a deck with stairs that can be removed to keep little ones (4) out of the pool. One winter many years back I walked up to the pool to check it. Upon the frozen snow covered surface were little footprints. My heart still freezes when I remember that moment. I had left the stairs down and one of ours had walked over the 2″ of ice. In my fear and horror I ripped the stairs off of their frame and threw them upon the frozen surface. I nearly lost it and rammed the pool with the tractor. My grief at near miss funeral was immense. In time we found out about the dares, the younger sister who felt she had to while reveling in the rebellion (6). They were trained to stay off the pool, out of the barn, off of the tractor. It didn’t work. They’re mostly grown now, two in college and two about to go. I have friends who’ve lost children. They carry the pain like a tattoo on their faces. I thank God the ice held.

  • Laurie says:

    Holy crap! I could not be happier that this story has a happy ending! I was sitting on the edge of my seat with tears in my eyes as I was reading..That is fear that I can’t even imagine..You have some very special little boys!

  • Andromeda says:

    Made me cry outside my daughter’s ballet class. I remember once watching my then 19 month old fall from a height I don’t know how she reached. It was in slow motion and I thought for sure she was going to break her neck. When she came out of it with only the wind knocked out of her I cried with her in my arms for an hour straight. There is nothing like being a parent, the joy and tears.

  • Oh my goodness, my heart just sank reading this. I am so happy to know that Max is just fine and that all has gone on well, but wow. It is a sobering reminder of how fragile the balance truly is and of what can happen in just moments.

    Thank you for sharing your moment with us.

  • Braindonkey says:

    Wow. I can’t even imagine. I have had 1 incident of fear in a parking lot, but I was present for it and able to intervene and prevent anything at all from happening at the time. But I can’t imagine finding out about it, after the fact, and knowing that I wouldn’t have known until too late.

    Flip side is, your kids are probably closer, at least subconsciously.
    Down side, you probably aged 10 years.

    sorry it happened, glad it wasn’t catastrophic.

  • Kyle says:

    This is a perfect description of the feelings that happen to parents when these situations arise, as well as the horror of actually losing a child. Thank you for that

  • I’m a Pastor in South Carolina. More importantly I’m a father of three incredible children. Thank you for sharing this. I’m going to go hug & kiss each of my kids right now even if it wakes them up. God bless.

  • Gale says:

    I had trouble reading this too…had some really close calls myself that I don’t even like to think about. Can’t imagine what my mom went through with me as a kid…we lived on a boat and there were TWO times I almost drowned, and that in spite of her watching me like a hawk most of the time. It can happen to even really, really, careful parents.

  • Ron says:

    Dang, now my eyeballs are sweating. That lightning feeling down your spine that you described is exactly what happened to me as I read this. I couldn’t even imagine.

  • Elle says:

    Wow. That is one special little boy. Actually, they both seem rather fantastic. Kudos to you for being so calm when facing that scene. It’s awesome to know that you’ve raised such a killer human thus far!

  • ann says:

    this storey is increadable. I have a little girl and she just finished her 9 monthes of chemotheripay in november 2011. there where so maney moments when we where sitting at the hospital that i was just so glad she got one more day! your story is a reminder how close the other side is for our little ones. thank God your boys are safe and sound. thank you for sharing!

  • I have a 2 year old and we bought a house with a pool. I have a lock, gate, and alarm chirp and still worry about it every day. She fell in one time while we were outside…scariest moment with her yet and she was only under for a few seconds. Kids are always going to make us worry…one of the toughest things about being a parent.

  • Danielle says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this Andy. Such a poinent reminder about those things that sneak up on us.

  • Pam says:

    OMG, I feel your pain I almost lost my little guy to a ruptured appendix when he was 3..they missed it for days since it wasn’t textbook. 🙁
    I totally know the feeling you are describing!
    I am so sorry that you have to live with that feeling also!

  • Cheryl says:

    I too came very close to losing my son. It was November 1998, he was at his father’s home and went “missing”. A trusted adult had bound him with duct tape and left him in a very deep drainage ditch on a country road. If my son hadn’t freed himself from the tape and climbed up to the road our story could have been much different. He was injured and went through psychiatric treatment and is now a father himself.

    Despite this near miss, I still cannot fathom the pain of losing a child.

  • Lump in throat. Have a good friend who lost a child to a pool not too long ago. This brings that alive for me, wishing that child had someone watching to yank him out by the hair. So unbelievably, incredibly glad that you didn’t have to join those ranks.

  • mo says:

    Wow, this post literally made me cry. I know that feeling you experienced. It’s all too real to me. So glad they were both okay.

  • Manda says:

    This past summer, my 10-month-old choked on a marble. Her mouth turned blue. I flipped her over down my arm and started pounding on her back. When that didn’t work, I grabbed her feet in one hand, hung her upside down, and popped her back again while grabbing for the phone. She finally threw up and started breathing again.

    I couldn’t find the marble and, since I didn’t actually see it exit her body, decided to take her to the ER. Her entire back was red from me hitting her and she had petechiae all around her eyes.

    I was so convinced that they would lecture me for the marble even being out. But all the ER doc did was congratulate me on being a good mother and knowing how to handle the situation. He made me feel so much better. 🙂

  • Jonathan says:

    good post; honest and true.

    please, everyone, have a visit to http://www.poolsafely.gov and tell your friends about it, too. america loses about 250 to 300 children under the age of 5 to pools and spas every year. these numbers can be reduced with a little more effort. be a part of the solution!

  • Chuck says:

    Thanks for sharing. It helps to have daily reminders to cherish what we have and never take anyone for granted.

    I also hate you for making me feel things and cry about my own kids. I have to go read the skid mark post again.

  • Wow. Thank you for sharing such a terrifying moment of your parenthood. And a high 5 to Cody. o/\o

  • Kate says:

    http://mariovittone.com/2010/05/154/ “Drowning doesn’t look like drowning” a must-read for *anyone* who will be near kids (or anyone, really) and water.

  • Cristina says:

    There are no words! We all have a guardian angel in our lives. Max is lucky enough that his lives in the body of his brother! Always there watching out for him!

  • Not to go all un-PC about religion and stuff but Somebody Important is on your side.

  • zoe says:

    That was just terrifying and true. When bouncy was 2 and half or so, we were in a store, and together. I was so tired, and my brain was always so frazzled. In the time it took me to register what the cost of a simple little MP3 player cost, he’d disappeared. I mean vanished. I can remember the buzz in my head as I ran silently and swiftly down the aisles taking in every detail of every thing I saw, just knowing someone had him under a coat, a basket, and desperately trying to heat sense him. Finally a clerk saw me, and I guess she could see. She called a code adam for him, and they found him…looking at canned fruit. When I saw him, I finally was able to inhale, and maybe breathe. All I know is I cried and could not stop. I think maybe, we shared the same thing. The very same thing.

  • Turtle-Dove says:

    One of my little brothers has autism I remember we were swimming in a river when I was around 7 when I noticed him in the deep water and realised I was the only one who could see him so I swam out slipped my arms under his and grabbed partly submerged log behind him and called my Dad, I’m never gonna forget the running leap dad did into the water, beard streaming behind him and cigarette still lit clutched in his lips, swimming back I saw it floating in the water and the funny thing is that let me know how worried he must have been to have forgotten about his smoke.

  • Arsenio says:

    It’s every parents worse fear. Thanks for sharing

  • Mama says:

    My heart stopped and my eyes filled as I read this, as if it were my own children. How terrifying! Thank God Cody had not just the presence of mind, but also the physical ability to pull Max out of the pool. Thank God they are both safe. My heart breaks for any parents who lose a child.

    Thank you for sharing your story; in the best of worlds, it might save a life in the future.

  • Kristina says:

    A terrifying story with a happy outcome thankfully, I can relate to the feeling of looking at your kids as a survivor and a hero. About a year ago I tok my 2 boys(then 2 and 10) to a local park that has a huge oriental garden, complete with streams and large koi pond. The pond has always bothered me as it isn’t really roped off well, and my toddler loves the hug fish and the ducks that stop by every spring. It was April and all the water was high with spring run off. My oldest took the little one to sit in a hut about 50 feet away to watch the fish and duck from behind the relative safety of a rail. When we left the boys headed towards me over a small stone bridge. As I watched my little one misstepped and went face first into the black water. My oldest yelled “Mom!” and I don’t think I ever moved so fast. I called back to grab him and took off, leaping over rope barriers and almost knocking down a strolling couple in my way. The water was only 2 feet deep but horribly cold. My little boys lips were already blue but he was crying..he was ok. Through the help of someone with a towel and a generous fellow that took off his own shirt to keep him warm, my son was fine, a little skitish around water sometimes, but healthy and happy. Every night I hug my oldest and tell him I love him, then I send a mental thanks his way. He was more scared than I was, but he was able to keep his little brothers head above water for the 20 seconds it took me to get there, and I thank him for it every chance I get.

  • tasia says:

    I fell into a pool at a holiday inn while my parents were helping my older brother learn to swim in deeper water. I was really little and gulped some water when i slipped in. A really fat man reached down and pulled me out. It still haunts me how easily it could have gone the other way. I remember it so clearly even though i was so young. I am extra cautious with my 1 and 3 year olds around water

  • Lauren says:

    What an amazing brother!
    Thanks for sharing!

  • Joel says:

    Having never experienced such a thing, I would normally be slightly moved, perhaps a twinge of deep sadness would strike me momentarily. However delightful that may have been, it was not my reaction. My wife is seventeen weeks along with our first, and all of these stories of loss and pain and of near-loss and remorse.. I hear stories like this all the time, and in my selfish ego, remain untouched by it. This morning, however, I feel like my heart is going to explode. Well, not literally, or I would be in the ER so my parents wouldn’t have to feel this. Being a parent is not easy, it is hard, sometimes grurling work

  • Amy says:

    I felt my heart in my feet. I’ve had two instances with my two girls. My oldest was about 3 1/2 and I was carrying our four month old. My husband was walking in front of us for some weird reason. We were on vacation and getting ready to go swimming and all of a sudden I swung around and yelled “Where’s Kate?” as I saw a woman pulling her up by her arm out of the resort pool. I immediately started bawling and thanked the woman immensely. She said “From one mom to another, do not beat yourself up over this. It worked out and be thankful on dwelling on the could have beens.” The second was when the youngest was 18 months old and I had her, her sister who was 5 and her friend who was 5, two 8 year olds, and a two year old at the playground. The baby ran from me and behind the swing that the 8 year old was on. My life drained out of me as I watched the swing come back and knock her right above the temple and her little body fly to the ground. I just starting yelling “Scream, baby girl! Cry. Make a noise!” and thank God she did. I had my husband take her to the ER and she fortunately didn’t have a concussion but the life drained out of me. I was trying not to panic, getting the 8 year old calmed down because she was freaking out (it wasn’t her fault) and making sure the other few kids were calm. I had done this trip to the playground a hundred other times. The older ones helped with the youngest ones. It was sickening and awful and scary and somehow it was all okay. I remember those times when they infuriate me, and make me want to pull my hair out. They have no idea how much we love them. I’m so glad your sons are okay. Your oldest is very brave and amazing. The boys are beautiful, by the way.

  • Yael says:

    God bless. Thank you for sharing such an impactful and delicate experience. And thank you for the sobering reminder of what we have…

  • Christina Valentine says:

    growing up as a fearless child, i’ve had my life saved quite a few times. But the 1st such incident that i recall with the most clarity is being 3 1/2, and taking 1 step too far in the pool. My teenage cousin, jeremy, saved me by reaching in, his family moved away and we never saw each other after that summer, but 25 years later our paths crossed at a party and my sister asked, “do you remember this guys?” i sed “OF COURSE!” there was always a bond between us, and respect had formed in the moment he saved my life. i was able to return the favor to a young cousin when i had grown into a teen as well, and we now have the same bond as well. it’s a strange beautiful thing. every once in a while; one of us will bring it up and say thank you again <3

  • Will McNeill says:

    I cried while reading this entire article. Reading this article was kinda like watching stand up comedy in reverse. You made us see and more importantly feel what you felt. My little boy is on vacation with his mom in Arizona right now, I can’t wait till he gets home tomorrow so i Can hug him tight.

  • Coup says:

    I understand what your boys went through. When I was 2/3 I was at the beach with my family. We were running in the water I ran into a hole. If it wasn’t for my brother’s fast actions I would of died that day. Sadly my mother was too engulfed in her convo with friends to even notice that anything happened.

  • Christine Taylor says:

    Thanks For Making Me Sob. “Looking Back On A Funeral That Never Was” …….Most Profound, Heart Wrenching, Praising God Worthy Statement I Have Ever Seen, Heard, Or Read. God Bless Ur Fast Thinking Boy.

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