WOMEN’S EDITION! 50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 3 of 5)
WARNING: Don’t be mad at me. I was told by very persistent sex-deprived women to post this for them! Women also need to drop a clue to their men that they’re in the mood for love. The washing machine set to a feverish spin cycle can only see a girl so far, and can be positively dangerous when the load isn’t balanced properly.
Strong enough for a man but made for a women? Hmmmm. Tips for women to nudge men, written by a man. You’d think this would be a good idea, and you would be right if it weren’t for that whole “you’d be wrong” part getting in the way. Here we go!
And now for the third set! 21-30:
 |
#21 Flatter the SensesDon’t just tell him how sexy his arms look when he’s grunting over a stubborn pickle jar, men need multiple-sensory input. Walk up to him and caress his guns (even if they’re just pea-shooters). Make eye contact so he can see you’re impressed. Toss your hair so the fragrance of it wins out over the pickles. Pour it on! THICK! You should have his attention by now, so set the jar on a counter and grab his pickle… |
 |
#22 Love Something you HatePick the thing he most loves that he knows you most hate. The wider the chasm the better, so he’ll know it probably has nothing to do with his music, beverage of choice, sports, favorite movie quotes or video games. It’s all about softening him up for sex. Example: when he’s glued to Skyrim on his gaming station, walk in front of the screen wearing only an arrow duct-taped to your knee and say, “I used to want to bed an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee.” |
 |
#23 Sugary, Spicy and Everything NaughtyWhen men make inanimate objects or food goods into sexual re-enactments it’s lewd and nasty. But when women do it… well, lewd and nasty works on men. (See “My Wife Just Said…” #8) |
 |
#24 Be Statuesque-ishTalc. Flour. Grease paint. Just turn yourself to marble and stand there, posed. A symbol of classic beauty chiseled out of marble. Naked marble. Pubic hair and fig leaves are optional. When he comes home or walks into the kitchen, be still and unresponsive until he touches you. (If you’ve got kids just be sure to make arrangements that they don’t accidentally stumble in on your private art exhibition.) |
 |
#25 The Dirty Rosetta StoneSome women get uncomfortable about dirty talking. Stuttering and nervous giggling ruins the moment. But what if you learn to say it in another romantic language? Right!?! Kind of bypasses all of that! You’ll be able to smoothly say, “F##k me until the sun explodes, and so hard and hot that it won’t matter,” sounding sultry AND sophisticated. |
 |
#26 Seal in the FreshnessPlastic Wrap. Use a whole role and your imagination. Yeah, you may have noticed nudity is a recurring theme here. This is to nudge men here, ladies! You can probably put away the romantic candlestick doilies if it’s sex you’re after. Note: Women who are a little too self-conscious can use aluminum foil. Especially those of you who have guys that are way into sci-fi or baked potatoes. |
 |
#27 WinkThat’s all. Wink. Really that’s it! It’s been sexy forever. If you do it right, at just the right time, you’ll have wolves howling outside your house. Just channel every amp of sexual energy you have into it so that lightning nearly arcs from your lashes. It’s a slow and steady “love me so hard that I’ll regret this wink” kinda wink. |
 |
#28 The Return of the Barry White“Even for women to men?” ESPECIALLY! You have to realize that when a woman puts Barry White on for a man, it’s 5 times as potent! There had better not be any expensive furniture or closed doors between you two and the bedroom. It will not survive. |
 |
#29 Book Learnin’Go to a used book store and pick up as many sex-related books as you can afford or carry. The Kama Sutra, “history of sex” books, sex position books, Sex for Morons, etc. Leave them in your bedroom and personal bathroom, safe from your kids, but where your man will surely discover them. He’ll get what practical application you’re interested in for the studying you seem to be doing. |
 |
#30 Boobs in a BoxThere’s a comedy bit that Justin Timberlake did on Saturday Night Live called “D##k in a Box” that went a little viral. It was generally considered hilarious because of how crass and vulgar it was. However, when a woman pulls a “Boobs in a Box” on her man, it’ll be the gift that keeps on giving. Well, for 15-20 minutes at least (on average). And I’m not talking about the two of you “laughing” each other’s brains outs. |
Some men reading this might think it should have just been written for women as “1) lay in bed naked, 2-10) repeat step one.” But there are men out there whose interest in sex is too blunted by stress, fatigue or an obsession for a sporting event or gaming console. On the other hand, there are probably also women out there that are now creating Women for a World Without Andy social communities. Yeeeeeeeah… Sorry, ladies!
-Andy
After the first two parts of “50 Ways…”, Andy was encouraged by some female readers to write some Nudges from the viewpoint of women, so try to go easy on him and blame them instead.
Make the Facebook with Two Backs
That sounded really freaky and wrong, but it was intended to be sweet and… not wrong.
Our Instructional Diagrams Are like Dessert
Regular dessert, not “eat it off your lover’s body” kind of dessert.
Christina says: 
Erich 
Sarcasmicrph 
Monica 
chelsea 
Laurie 
Stephanie K. 
Desiree 
BoB Brown 
