Tasers for Kids

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I rarely, if ever, give a full-fledged piece of parenting advice.

I’m not a fan of “the authority” or specialists or people telling me how to live my life, but I think it’s time I finally take a dip in the “this is how you do it” parenting pool. It’s a dirty pool, by the way. It can often smell like feet.

But I digress.

I’m good at giving parenting advice. You can see it all over my face.

Parenting penalties are most effective when you use punishments that befit the crimes committed. Child behavior can be confusing. You can’t just let kids walk all over you. Unless they’re walking on your back. That feels good. Thus, you have to set boundaries. But when they cross into enemy territory and go out of control, it’s time to pull out the big guns. Punishment of a corporal nature. Let’s talk about it.

You might be surprised.

Every parent has their own philosophy about how to impress upon their kids that they’ve done wrong. I don’t waste time. I’m right there. BOOM. Take no prisoners. If other little kids get in the way? They get lumped in. My leadership is derived from force, plain and simple.

And I’m not above using the crudest means known to man. But I’m also technologically savvy, so I need something that appeals to both sides. My favorite tool is a sort of taser I’ve fashioned for my son.

Stick ’em up, Finn!

Instanteously, if he is mad or insubordinate in any way, it’s on like Donkey Kong playing Mahjong while singing a love song. I have no idea what that means either. But I said it. So, it’s true.

My custom taser leaves him helpless, near-paralyzed and sometimes for minutes afterwards. He’s like putty in my hands. Whatever he thought he was going to do… NOPE. He’s mine now. All mine. To do my bidding.

My taser skills are unmatched. I’m an expert taser marksman. I know where to strike.

Because tickles are like “tasers” for kids. And I’m not afraid to use them.

““

Go NINJA, Go NINJA, GO!
Tickle ninjas are coming for you and you and you and you…

8 Comments

zoesmuse says:

at 8:39 am

TRue dat! I’ve also found my magician skills to be of great use here. “Look over here bouncy. Yes, that’s the thing you should focus on.” 🙂

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Cheryl says:

at 8:55 am

So true! I’ve got weapons that deal with a case of the gripies or crying over something silly. For the gripey kid, I just listen to the pitch, tone, and volume of their gripe, and match it but making nonsense noises – gets them to stop griping and start laughing in no time. Stole “Goosfraba” from the movie Anger Management to reign in my 7-year-old’s sudden fits of crying over nothing. I ask him to whisper it in my ear, and he is physically unable to do it without cracking up!

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Christine @MommyMatter says:

at 8:57 am

At first I was like, uh say what?! And then continued reading. It is so true how easily a child can go from being absolutely rotten to absolutely amazing, all by a little attention.

When my kids hit a point of epic destruction, I hug and hold. I don’t let go. They usually break into tears and rambling sob sentences that I can’t understand but they stop their path of destruction, they breathe and they remember I am here no matter what happened.

One thing I’ve learned is kids are like puppies. They chew when they’re bored. They bark when they want to make you aware they are there. They pee on the floor when you don’t listen. All it takes is some attention & everyone is a happy camper.

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Heather says:

at 9:14 am

My sister-in-law decided that when our 2 year old would start to throw a tantrum or cry, you just pretend you don’t see her and can’t find her (ie, “Ginny! Ginny! Where are you?” With said person obviously right in front of you). This was met with giggles and fun at first. It was a game for her to regain you attention. It was perfect. The downside was she figured it out. 3 days later it was met with more anger and violence. She now screams “NO!” And grabs your face to make sure that you know that she knows you actually see her.

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Amy says:

at 9:28 am

I love the tickle taser method! Thankfully, my son also likes to be tickled, so the bad attitude disappears with his cute request for “more? Mama more? PWEEZ!”

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Donna says:

at 9:33 am

All right, you had me going for a minute. I was ready to lecture those “ugly” parents, not you, about Tasers. My son is a police officer and I will never forget the day he came home from the academy after being tasered several times. He would have done almost anything anyone said at that point. I like the tickle taser SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better. I am a grandma, probably old enough to be yours, but I love you, you are funny, you are sincere, you are wise (oh yes you are), and you honestly and truly love your family. I hope there are many more daddies like you out there, I am sure there are.

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Pretired Nick says:

at 11:59 am

Nice, I’m going to have to remember this!

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Sarah Elisabeth says:

at 5:05 pm

Oh, this was quite terrifying for a minute, lol. My nephew loves being tickled, so I use that when I’m babysitting and he’s upset about something (or just for fun).
But yeah, you scared me. lol

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