Tired Parent Motel

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Tired Parent Motel

It’s Friday night. You’ve reserved a babysitter seven days in advance, the calendar is marked, and now that the time has come — you’re dead tired. You WANT to have a good time. You NEED a break. But it’s the end of the week and you can barely spell “Floccinaucinihilipilification.” That’s a real word, by the way, that best describes my writing on this site. Look it up.

So, parents, what do you do?

If you’re anything like my wife and I, you try to power through it. Canceling the babysitter is bad form, especially when you do it 8,000 times in a row, and maybe there’s a part of you saying, “If we can just go out tonight we won’t feel like senior citizens with suction cup shoes and double-gravity eyelids.” Most of us, however, simply hit the eject button and pay the babysitter some pittance to get out of the whole ordeal. A night out of the house becomes an expensive nap in the seats of a movie theater. A quiet dinnertime staring contest with nothing to say unless it has one syllable or less. Please, do not mistake our long pauses during date night dinners as thoughtfulness. We’re just damn tired.

Well, it occurred to me that parents need a solution. And who better to invent this revolutionary idea than a tired, scattered old man living in the body 32-year-old? I’m here for you, my dear readers.

How about a “Tired Parent Motel”?

Imagine a motel that can be rented by the hour containing two king-sized beds, on-site and in-room spa services, 24-hour room service, bottle service, and a large flat-screen television with the films in theaters right now, in every room. Now, imagine it costs half of whatever you’re paying your niece who charges money for her babysitting services even though she should just GIVE YOU free service since you’re family. Damn you, capitalism.

No Pants Quote

I know what you’re thinking. They already have motels like the one I’m describing and they’re filled with prostitutes. No, friends. I’m talking about an establishment that makes you show proof of children, and keeps a record of who comes and goes. Multiple partners? Not if you’re married. You also have to submit to an inspection to prove you’re not carrying:

    *Lice
    *Chicken Pox
    *Legos
    *Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease
    *Croup
    *Whiny, Stowaway Children Hidden in Luggage

That’s right. I’m talking about a place where the sex is optional and sleep is central. Relaxation is mandatory and orgasms are ancillary. I’m talking about a place where angels gently play harps and there is no whining or screaming by tiny voices of any kind.

Working hard and trying to be passable parents is something we care about. It takes a goodly sum of energy to do those two things all on their own. Our capacitors are fairly low grade. So, what’s a parent to do when Friday night rolls around?

I will be taking comments below for anyone who wants to invest. First round investors need only put in about $500,000 a piece, and on our timetables, we’re looking at a completion date of 18 years from the year my son was born.

Which special amenities would you like in your room?

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37 Comments

  • Erin B says:

    One of those Kinnect type set ups, but this one pauses the movie when my eyes close for longer than … oh, say three seconds. That way when I have a ten minute cat blink, I don’t miss out on important plot points and wake up to a spoiler at the end.

  • Nicole T says:

    Jacuzzi tub with some sort of “drowning prevention” device. So that when I fall asleep in the tub, I won’t die.

  • gina says:

    in room massage

  • Katie says:

    A sensory deprivation tank. Ultra sound proofed walls. Don’t want to hear a single noise from anywhere!

  • Laurie says:

    I think you’ve got something here!

  • Ross says:

    Two years ago, I wrote a sketch, and one of the punchlines involved the word “floccinaucinihilipilification”. I have never seen it used again before now. This made my day.

    • charlie says:

      And you must be the smartest man alive. Because I’ve never used it in a sentence until today.

      • Ross says:

        I’ll paint you the picture, so you won’t boost my ego. In writing a sketch, I decided it needed a big word. So I used google to search “long words”. For real. Found that one, then checked the definition: “the estimation of something as worthless”. The sketch is about mistaking someone for another person who is a bit of a rogue/mischief-maker. The line then goes:

        “The same ‘Trent Burgess’ who stole all the dictionaries from the library only to put up a billboard downtown that said “What the world needs now is floccinaucinihilipilification”?”

  • I’m in.

    Does anyone have 500k I can borrow?

  • Lindsay says:

    This is simply amazing.
    Room service is a must (included in the price).

  • I know that perhaps, we might just want too, in a strange way still keep our cell phones on. I think to check in to this blissful oasis, you’ll have to offer your cell phones as collateral. The front desk would monitor incoming calls and grade the severity of the emergency based on a color system (because colors make sense).

    • Eric M says:

      When you said colors, I thought Crayons, and no they can’t use crayons, then we would be thinking about our kids and getting stressed and….

      Oh, you just meant colors like at a stoplight. Yeah, that makes as much sense as anything else. My child is destroying my mind. He eats my brains like a zombie. He is going to be very hungry soon, as I am running out of his food.

      • Definitely no crayons our Black sharpies… They scare me like spiders…

        • Sorry meant “or”

        • Angelina says:

          Washable markers terrify me. My daughter has discovered she can “tattoo” herself & those around her with minimal damage. She does it frequently. Like, as soon as you stop moving. She has attempted to do the cats too.

  • Brent says:

    I’d want some sort of kegerator hooked up to the headboard on the bed or within arms reach of where I’m relaxing. That way I don’t have to actually move that much to grab a beer.

  • Larry says:

    I like this. It sounds like it would be a big hit. I am glad Legos are not allowed. Some would end up on the ground, and I would step on them and end up in pain.
    However, I have to say we gave up on Friday night outings a while ago. We get invited out for family dinners and politely decline. Too tired.
    I had an idea in the same vein awhile back. Check this out: http://larrydbernstein.com/brilliant-idea/

  • Jo says:

    Mani-Pedis, Massages, Room Service, Hot Tubs, Fire Places, Root Beer Floats, Banana Splits…. all in your room so ya don’t have to go anywhere. 🙂

  • Vanessa C. says:

    I would want a full bar, in room massages, a full course meal delivered in bed and a TV that blocks Sprout and Nick Jr.

  • Can someone pack ME a snack bag. With all my favorite snacks both healthy and junk food, plus a change of clothes, a sippy of wine, and my giant pillow? If that can happen, I’m there.

    • Duncan says:

      I must admit, we make this type of thing happen at least twice a year. We fly down to The Kid’s grandparents’ house in Miami then check into a “no kids allowed” B&B in Key West for the weekend. It is essential to maintaining any modicum of sanity.

      -Sent from my iPad at 8 am on a Saturday while watching Jungle Junction with a four year-old who can neither sleep nor be alone after 6:30, but only on weekends

  • Too tired to toot says:

    I want to go to there. Also, shut up and take my money!

  • Val says:

    So worth looking into this invesent and many of the additional amenities, massage, keg lol, cell phone check in etc… And possibly even include the sitter service somehow. That would be the proof of said children.

  • Natalie says:

    I hope it goes without saying that a margarita dispenser is included? 🙂

  • Gramma Lauren says:

    I am a gramma who raised 2 daughters. I now have a 2 year old granddaughter that lives 1/2 way around the world from me. I promise when they move back home next year, once a month, to either take my granddaughter to my house for the one or two nights a weekend OR go to their house and sleep over. They can go to a hotel or even come stay at my place if they want to save money. All parents need a break and some sleep. I remember it SO well. And yes, Friday nights are a wash-out. Saturdays and Sundays are the only viable days for a rest.
    Welcome home Michael, Sarah and Julia!!!

  • Stephanie says:

    Gramma Lauren – are you taking applications for surrogate grandchildren?

    As a single mom to a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old, who’s been watching Sesame Street since 5.30am, and whose “10 minute cat blink” cost her her favourite coffee cup and complete destruction of her supposedly child-proof living room, I approve this idea whole heatedly. Rather than room service, etc, I’d prefer a maid living in an adjoining room who brings me whatever I want when I ring a bell, please.

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