Recently a Time magazine article reported on a scientific study that men with smaller mansicles make better fathers. “Testicular volume is likely to be a more stable measure than testosterone…” — okay? Well, I felt discriminated against and I’d like to set the record straight on this pseudo-scientific buffoonery.

Here are my five reasons having bigger balls makes you a better dad…

1. Workspace

The Right Tool for the Job

Need a workbench? Want a flat area to fix one of your kids’ toys? If you have big balls, you have an instant surface to fix toys like a boss or eat your lunch between shifts of running after your kids. Sure, huge balls make it harder to run after them, but writing this post on my laptop is so much easier with my huge nuts.

Because blogging also makes a better dad. Obviously.

2. Scare Tactics

Fear is your Friend

Have you seen an angry set of rhino testicles charging at you? No? Well, if you’re lucky you might see a pair of frustrated dadballs charging at you if you’re screaming at my kid on the playing field. Seriously, a giant pair can really give you the advantage if another dad is an agro sports father. You can saunter up and politely tell him to call down. No time flat. Or round. Whatever.

Balls are pretty scary, generally.

 

3. Being Different

Little. Hairy. Different.

Average testicle size is 1.2 inches in diameter, but you have huge balls. You know the value and stress of being different. You relate to outsiders who look or act differently.

Thus, you can teach your children about the value of being different, the power of accepting others as they are, just as you’ve accepted that you have magnificently overgrown man marbles, and the burden of possessing heavy dude jewels.

4. Superior Swimming

Dive, dive, dive!

Okay, fine. Maybe you won’t be the fastest swimmer, but you’ll have the biggest cannonball of any other dad there. And that should count for something.

5. MacGyver Satchel

Duct Tape Won’t Solve This!

Listen, with great balls comes great scrotal responsibility. Sure, when it’s a warm out and you’re wearing wool underwear, so there may be some extra dough lying around. Big testes mean a bigger bag. You can use it to carry small items for later and it isn’t a fanny pack. Win/win. It’s like nature’s little pocket.

In the end, I really don’t have any idea why people were compelled to measure their testicles or find this study remotely useful. We all know the best fathers write blogs about fatherhood and love geeky stuff like Star Wars light saber night lights.