With the wild success of The Daddy Complex’s “CTFD Parenting” and a multitude of other parenting philosophies variously titled with animals names, military equipment and dance moves, we think it’s time we got in on this lucrative moneymaking scheme.

Today, we submit to you: “Old Yeller Parenting.” No, we don’t shoot our kids, you lunatic. This system of parenting is comprised of one main philosophy and several smaller activities.

1. Put yourself down. A lot.

Putting yourself down is the essence of ‘OY Parenting’ and as such should be indulged in constantly. You are never a better parent than when you’re shitting on your self-esteem and taking things out on other people. In fact, the more you devalue yourself and act like a rabid dog, the better.

2. Uncontrollable Crying

Basically, drive yourself to tears. All the time. You won’t have to drive far, parenting is brutal. Also, crying is both a way to pass the time and moisturize your skin. So give it a try!

3. Sleep Deprivation

If you want to look wiser than your actual years or just look 15 years older in less than two years, HAVE SOME KIDS. When you’ve slept five hours in the space of seven days and you start having conversations with your coffee mug, you’ll know you have achieved enlightenment as a parent. Plus, think about all the time you would’ve wasted in your life having dreams and then feeling well-rested. Forget that!

4. Comparison

You aren’t doing parenting right unless you are consistently and belligerently comparing yourself (and your kids) to everyone else. Sometimes, out loud or in your head. In fact, make it a competition. There is no second place. There are only people who suck at parenting and those who don’t. See you didn’t even know about this parenting style, did you? You are an amateur parent.

5. Neglect

This is an equal opportunity proposition. Neglect yourself and your kids. Both. Put them in front of the television for days and days, while simultaneously never taking any time for yourself. Screw everything. Just give in and give up.

In closing we are certain that Old Yeller Parenting is everyone’s cup of tea. In fact, millions practice it, in part or as a whole, every day. So, you owe us money because we’re suing you for using our patented system without prior purchase. Expect angry letters and emails from our “lawyers.”

Or, you know, you could stop doing these things completely and avoid a legal mess with us altogether. Just a thought.

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