In this very modern internet age, we find ourselves compelled to write headlines and dive headlong into topics we mightn’t have penetrated previously.

Today, I am THAT guy.

I’m going to reveal something about myself you probably you would never have guessed, something so crude it probably never crossed your mind: I have never made a sex tape. I have been very adamant during my history that no recording devices of any kind be used throughout. Sort of like a theater play with more pubic hair or a theme park ride with oodles more pale white skin, sex tapes abound. But I demanded a media blackout.

My decision was founded upon the idea that:
A. No one wants to see that sort of thing from an out-of-shape Irish slob like me.
B. Blackmail.

But having some experience in the entertainment industry and a minor amount of familiarity with sexual pingpong, I think I can safely advise you, parents, on how to make a sex tape. But I’m going to use Mad Men gifs because that makes it less weird. Here goes…

1. Set the date

In between school trips, feedings/meals, doctor’s appointments, trips to pick up baby or kid supplies, grocery runs, bank deposits and withdrawals, business trips, work, and sleep, there has to be some time somewhere, right? Find it, mark it in your calendar. I would suggest calling it “family game night” or something very innocuous. Wait, don’t call it that. You might get confused.

2. Set the venue

Choose a place that is well-lit, but more importantly somewhere uncluttered and soft. If your house is messy postpone your sextape. There’s nothing worse than having sex on a squeaky toy. Unless you brought a squeaky toy into the mix on purpose. Then you’re just weird like that.

3. Get in shape

No one wants to see an inflexible, slightly overweight guy with brown hair and blue eyes with random hairs on his back and some awesome love handles rock the mechanical-bull of love. So, take five months (or 12) to get fit and ready for the voyeurlympics.

4. Set up the camera

Untangle the wires and dust off the camera your kids have been misusing or drooling all over. Sure, the lens looks like it’s been through the Iraq war, but that doesn’t mean it’s not suitable to capture your love. Don’t forget to charge it, clean the lens, set up the tripod (that definitely won’t get knocked over) and see if someone can operate the camera for you. That’s not awkward, yeah? That conversation should be pretty simple.

5. Handle your hygiene

Shower and use soap. While you’re there, go ahead and brush your teeth. Maybe exfoliate? Shave if you’re into that sort of thing. Maybe even do some laundry. Heck, you’ve got dirty kid clothes piling up. Why haven’t you cleaned those yet? You seriously forgot to do laundry? Well, get on that. Do you live in a zoo? Or a barn?

6. Get some sleep

You should probably get a good night’s sleep first, right? You don’t want to look like a meth addict making low-budget videos for cash. It’s a keepsake. A moment in time.

7. Never mind

Forget it. I’d rather spend this time watching episodes of Game of Thrones and pretending like I could take any of the 100034957 villains on that show. And maybe get 30 minutes of extra pretend sleep.

But, honey, if you’re reading this… I’ll be your human jungle gym whenever you want.