Man, everyone is wearing some kind of strap on their wrist these days. We’re counting our steps, calories from the foods we eat and everything else that has a number on it. Sometimes I see people pacing and wonder if they’re stressed out or just trying to reach their walking quota for the day. We are a nation being tracked by multiple devices on our person with a rogue handcuff. Fugitives walking around in broad daylight, hunted by ourselves.

And I am on the run, too, folks. Here are five reasons my Fitbit is ruining my life as it follows me around:

1. Turning Me Into A Cheater

I wasn’t this weirdo you see before you today. I used to loaf around and enjoy the lack of knowledge that came with having no idea how many frigging steps I’d taken that day. Yes, the sweet ignorance of not knowing whether I’d done two minutes or three minutes of vigorous activity made me a better person.

In case you’re wondering, playing a song on the guitar is about 2000 steps on your Fitbit.

2. Making Me Bully My Friends

Are they beating me? They get a “taunt” which is sort of like a “poke” without the sexual innuendo. Friendly competition is boring so all-out Fitbit warfare is where I’ve landed. People I would NEVER think of provoking get my digital flaming poop when I am losing, when I’m winning and just because I’m bored. And why?

FITBIT MADE ME DO IT.

3. Feeling Like a Failure

Every day, I have a new reason to feel like I’ve failed. How many steps did I run? Did I meet my goal? Did I sleep enough? Did everyone else best my best? Why is everyone else so superhuman that they do 30,000 steps a day? What’s the deal with parachute pants making a comeback?

These are the thoughts going through my head.

4. Constantly Losing Charge

It seems like I’m always looking for a place to charge my FitBit. I look like a cardiovascularly-impaired crackhead trying to get a fix. Now, instead of needing to constantly charge just one device, I have yet another. And it’s a consideration I have each day before I leave for work. “Did I charge my Fitbit enough today?” “Will it keep track of ALL my steps?”

I took this thing on the road with me during my Tough Mudder run, too. It somehow survived being electrocuted and submerged several times. It’s a zombie watch.

5. Ruining My Sex Life

There’s a hidden downside to wearing a Fitbit: you see just how long you last in bed.

And for the record I have a wristband, not the clip. Perverts.

So, in closing: please, Fitbit, recall all of your devices. Or else I’ll be recalled myself. KTHX.

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