When dealing with a problematic manager or supervisor, you’ve undoubtedly come to the conclusion that some jobs require no special skill. Like, seriously, a bucket of wet dirt could do the job better. But, since hiring mud is generally frowned upon, I suggest we put kids in these positions. They’d achieve the same results and they’ll accept balloons instead of a 401k. For example…
 

Demolition Expert

src: Action Movie Kid

Children of all ages have an uncanny ability to destroy even the sturdiest of items””oak tables, refrigerators, M58 Wolf armored personnel carrier. So, there’s no need for a crew to clear a property, just point a toddler, preschooler or kindergartener in the direction of the building you need demolished and wear protective goggles. They’ll have your property cleared, or at least damaged to the point of toppling over, within minutes. And imagine how effective their process if they also had dynamite.

Billionaire CEO

src: Kodomo Keisatsu (Kids Police)

The folks who run multi-billion-dollar companies also love to collect things like airlines, islands and politicians. Since the primary function of this job is to proclaim, “I want that!” about seemingly unattainable things, kids would fit into this role nicely. They’ve honed this skill at toy stores, ice cream parlors, gift shops and dog pounds””even ones they’ve just seen as they drive by. It’s moot whether they do it from a minivan or the back of a limo.

Game Show Seat-Filler

When a new TV show is getting off the ground, production companies will hire enthusiastic extras to fill the audience to offer authentic cheers and shouts whenever possible. Kids offer the same loud cries at dinnertime, bedtime, naptime, lunchtime, in the morning, on a drive, in a plane, during dental appointments, while grocery shopping, at a funeral, and throughout daddy’s weeping time. Yes, when it comes to the cost of all those high shrieks and yells, the price is right.

Algebra Teacher

src: one of our favorite movies, Raising Arizona

Despite what you’ve been told, algebra applies to almost nothing… Okay, well, maybe science. And engineering. And, I don’t know, market research? But, nothing else. So, you could put a kindergartener at the front of the class and have them spout gibberish for close to an hour each school day and get the same applicable knowledge. Plus, it’s much more interesting to have a test question in which you must solve for “ninja turtle.”

Fox News Correspondent

src: some poor bastard of a parent

Unlike the algebra teacher, whose lessons apply to almost nothing, the Fox News Correspondent’s gibberish applies to literally nothing””not rationality, known facts, common sense, humanity. And neither do the fits and tantrums of a toddler. You could replace Steve Doocy with a child in the throes of a meltdown about wanting chocolate cake for breakfast and get the exact same amount of useful information about the Affordable Care Act or Benghazi. Plus, Fox & Friends already sounds like a kid’s show anyway.

The father of twin boys, David Vienna is a screenwriter, playwright, reality television writer, former journalist, and covers parenting issues at TheDaddyComplex.com and The Huffington Post. His viral CTFD Parenting piece has created an Internet sensation and resulted in packs of nomadic groupies as well as his upcoming book Calm The F*ck Down (published by Knock Knock in 2015).

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