Some popular superheroes are incredibly old if you think about it. Batman and Superman were created in the late ’30s, making them adults for about 75 years now. Super old.

What would some new, more relatable super characters be, though? If they arose from the smartphone radiation of today’s plugged-in, socially-connected culture?

Let’s imagine some…

Captain Obvious
He bursts through windows, walls and comment threads unexpectedly to unnecessarily break the non-existent ice and tell it like it is, even though it doesn’t really need to be told. To anyone. Because everyone gets it already.

Home: Planet Duhhh
Powers: Infuriates foes (and allies) by repeatedly stating clearly observable facts, labeling and pointing at things, and providing tedious unnecessary instructions.
Special Moves: Elephant In The Room Attack and Deadly Awkward Silence
Weaknesses: Riddles, cryptology and interpretive dance.

Professor Literal
When people are in need of analytical analysis, he’s there. When the city cries out for factual facts, again, it’s him. When the world hungers for an endless explanation devoid of humor or nuance, yep, he won’t go away.

Home: 1 Fact Street, Trueville, Road Island, USA, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe
Powers: Dissects jokes and statements with long-winded references, exact dictionary definitions and corrections to spelling and grammar.
Special Moves: Super Sigh and Eyerollnado
Weaknesses: Literally, any of his qualities or features regarded as disadvantages or faults.

Sarcasmo
Crime and stupidity aren’t going to fight themselves. He’s there to vanquish them with humorless smirks and silkily scathing comments that they probably won’t get.

Home: The Zing Dimension
Powers: Delivers scorching sarcastic remarks, burning innuendos, and double-, triple- and quadruple-entendres.
Special Moves: Flaming Finger Bunnies and The Roundhouse Backhanded Compliment
Weaknesses: He just absolutely loooooves it when people are so “special” they ask him if he’s serious or joking. Inability to resist laughing quietly to himself. (Frequently battles Prof. Literal.)

Xaggerator
He’s 80% human! 40% robot! And 210% NUCLEAR AWESOME!!! He’s always been the super world’s best total craziest and most amazingerest character since forever times infinity!

Home: All of the places everywhere!
Powers: Blows minds or confuses, alarms and misleads others with hyperbole, swearing, and exclamation points!!! Can induce mass panic or laughterrhea. Sets off car alarms.
Special Moves: THE MOST (whatever that is) and Exclamation Point Cluster Bombs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weaknesses: Censorship, fact-checkers and car alarms.

Now that I think about it, I guess it’s sort of debatable whether these characters would be superheroes or super villains, but you can see how they’d easily fit like a glove into the present day and age of our internet culture.

I’m not saying that’s a good thing, just that it IS a thing.

Maybe kids growing up now, face-planted into the screens of smart-tablets, would appreciate Sarcasmo burning a nasty troll with a razor-sharp comeback reply as much as The Human Torch melting a Fiat to seal a broken water main. Or maybe they wouldn’t (hopefully).

In either case, it’d still be pretty funny, right? Maybe it’s more of a muhuhahahaha world-domination kinda funny, though.

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