I’m at a standstill in trying to find a balance between my life and work. It seems like the fabric of space and time cannot pulled so far apart that I can weave my own little threads within it.

But, fear not!

I have five ways I can help you guys beat the system. These are life hacks I’m experimenting with. You’re welcome. Sort of. And if you have any brilliant ideas, post them here in the comments. Mmmmmmmkay?

1. Craigslist Cloning

I posted this on craigslist the other day, just to see what people would say. But really, if I hired someone, it would be to pretend to be me at work so I could play and teach and adventure and cradle my sons.

2. Bring Your Kid To Work Day EVERYDAY

Listen, if I have to miss all the milestones in my kids’ lives and then no one gets to work. I’ll just bring my kids in and I can watch them from my desk. All milestones shall be logged. Efficiency at maximum levels.

By the way, this gif comes from my friend Stephen Glickman. He is a comedic genius and this web series was brilliant.

3. Work From Home?

Yeah, not so much. I’ve tried this. It’s the best and worst of both worlds. Maybe I’m not built for it. But you could be!

4. Time Travel

Remember that whole “bending time and space thing” I said earlier? Screw it. I just need to find 1.21 jiggaaaaawhats.

As I always say about parenting, “Where we’re going we don’t need… roads.” Yes, I did just quote myself quoting a movie. Like you haven’t done it.

5. Quit Everything Except Your Kids

At the end of the day, we are responsible for our lives, our choices and our presence in or out of our kids’ lives. The time we spend providing for our children can sometimes take precedence over the time we spend with them. But that delicate balance is crucial to your health. We all fall somewhere on the spectrum of needing personal time, but we can’t let our time with our kids be stolen away from us by our careers. Somehow. Some way.

Says the guy who never sleeps and works 12445 hours a week.