My 5yo son’s wiggly-jiggly tooth was recently liberated from his smile and he couldn’t wait to write a pillow-bound note to the Tooth Fairy. Here’s the text (uncorrected, to preserve the cuteness):

Dear. TootH. Fairy.

i Love you.

My tooth FeLL. out.

i wANt presents.

tHANk you.

 
Short, polite and to the point. Adorable, yes, but he’s cleverly buttering up the Tooth Fairy with a little flattery and affection. It got me thinking how a lot of letters I’ve seen written to the Tooth Fairy seem a bit businesslike. I hit the internet and this was very quickly proved out.

Let’s look at some of the correspondence of kids in various tooth transactions.
 

Basic Negotiations

Nothing seals a deal quite like a friendly pitch detailing the value and the virtues of a transaction. After all, it was one of her favretse.
 

source: Rhonda Talbot
 

Playing Hardball

So… sometimes bulldog power attorneys get married, and then have kids. Better not get into breach of contract with this kid.
 

source: visboo.com
 

Filing a Loss Claim

It happens a lot. The combination of teeth being small and kids having the attention span of… SQUIRREL! It’s easy to understand some teeth mysteriously wind up where left socks go… or (gulp!) find their way down the toilet.
 

source: unknown
 

Good-faith Stipulations

Sadly, in business dealings today, it’s not a bad idea to explicitly ask not to be screwed over.
 

source: author-in-the-trenches.blogspot.com
 

Renegotiating Fees

Some loose teeth just fall out, some require a special task force working tirelessly for days. This kid doesn’t seem to think a flat fee is fair.
 

source: chriscoyier
 

Alternate Forms of Payment

Money’s great, sure, but these are paperless, digital times. Just sign on the line to accept the terms.
 

source: scrapbookingdirections.com
 

Special Requests

We’ve all got our special circumstances and preferences. Maybe it’s an allergy, a favorite color, or a paralyzing fear of magical intruders entering your room while you’re sleeping.
 

source: cochinitacastle.wordpress.com
 

Delivery Failure Complaint

It’s very frustrating when you hold up your end of the bargain but you’re left hanging. Kids aren’t really clued in enough to appreciate how ridiculously little sleep Tooth Fairies get.
 

source: elizabethesther.com
 

Follow-up Survey

If you’re going to fool a kid into the existence of any mythological character, expect a lot of excited interest when you create the illusion of this figure’s late-night appearance.
 

source: shebazzle.com
 

Honest Dealings

Maintaining a trustworthy relationship is important in conducting an ongoing relationship with the Tooth Fairy, whether he’s a boy or a girl.
 

source: unknown
 

Fraud Investigation

When you run a business that’s based on a lie, it’s just a matter of time before the cat (or Fairy) is out of the bag.
 

source: passiveaggressivenotes.com
 

You see what I mean? When an itty-bitty teeny-weeny loosey-toothy comes out of their little noggin, roll up your sleeves ’cause it’s time for business!

It’s amazing how naturally some young kids become such smooth operators, wheeling and dealing, or bossy taxpayers, who’ve paid their pearly white dues and demand The System does its job.

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Instructional Diagrams
You wouldn’t mind finding these under your pillow.