Children’s Books Gone Terribly Terribly Wrong

Posted under SNAPSHOTS

Reading to your kids, you occasionally run across something in a children’s book that raises your adult eyebrows. And, strolling through a bookstore, you may happen upon a title (or its entire contents) that gets your head tilt on, mentally or audibly making you ask yourself, “What on earth were they thinking?!”

Sure, some of these seem like they’re weird because they’re from a bygone day of picket-fenced innocence (or maybe not). Then there are some that are clearly for helping to present some of the odd or dark realities of life, and I don’t mean Everyone Poops. And then there are ones that simply defy any explanation or excuse.

Let’s take a look at some highlights of the lowlights of the children’s books out there.

 

Move over Waldo! Where’s Willy?!

The adventures of a sperm named “Willy”? Sorry to rhyme, but, REALLY!?! I guess it’s like Finding Nemo, except not at all probably. Hopefully.

Also, the endorsement quote is priceless: The best story… (I can almost hear the uncertain pause) …of its sort.

 
 

Where did mommy’s ribs go?

Kids freak out when their parents change their hair or shave mustaches or beards, so explaining cosmetic surgery to a kid has to be a really tricky proposition. Somehow I’m not confident this children’s book (written by a plastic surgeon) does the trick.

 

She’s a witch! BURN HER!

Some moments in history are still inappropriate for kids even when presented with cartoons. Tip to children’s book authors and publishers: if you need to use cute illustrations for certain parts of history to soften the blow to tender and impressionable minds, then maybe you shouldn’t be presenting them to those minds yet. A coloring book of slavery or the Holocaust just won’t ever fly.

 
 

Teaching differences can be… different.

Just no clue what’s going on here. At first, you want to think, “Yeah okay, boys and girls will ultimately need to grasp that there are some physical differences anatomically from each other.” And then you’re like, “Okay what the fuuuu… ya lost me.” Even the elephants are now confused and afraid. Someone call PETA.

 
 

Oh man.

	Oof. One of those grim life realities it seems so awful to have a children’s book for. Makes me morbidly wonder if there’s a board book for why dad can’t walk anymore after the accident, maybe with a sad, floppy spinal column character. Or a terribly ironic pop-up book for why Mommy won’t wake up ever again. Don’t get any ideas, freaky kids’ book publishers!

 
 

Pretend can be a great teacher.

	But learning can apparently go very, very wrong. Some things taken out of context are a bit freaky. And some things are freaky no matter what the context is. ::makes energetic head motions to the left::

 
 

We all need hobbies.

They used to call it being a “peeping Tom,” but the law books now refer to this activity as “trespassing” and “invasion of privacy” or just plain ol’ “stalking.”

 

How NOT to pet a cat.

	Some cats don’t like it when they’re scratched on their belly, but ALL cats don’t like this. Not sure what the point of this is, or if one even exists, but whoever wrote this either has no kids or is laughing maniacally somewhere at encouraging a bunch of see-then-instantaneously-do children out there to jam their finger into a cat’s butt.

 
 

What did he WHAT?

Obviously, nowadays this name can be a bit… awkward. But giving the name Dick to a “wiener” dog? I know kids are blank slates and all, but isn’t this pushing it a bit? Maybe this title and cover were always awkward. In any time, forever.

 
 

A Guide to Wrinklies

Not sure if this book’s underlying message is that, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, senior citizens can still serve a purpose. :/ Yikes.

 

The family that packs heat together…

I don’t know what the moral of this story is, but hopefully it’s a little different from a Curious George type of a story line. This has to seem just a little more like some sort of odd propaganda than a children’s book, even to the fully-automatic bazooka owners out there.

 
 

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

	Sure, he doesn’t want a bath. ‘Cause he’s a stuffed animal and he’d get all clumpy and moldy, right? Uhhhhh, he’d rather sit and watch? Is it just me, or is your skin crawling, too?

 

A Is for Death

	Of all the things to feature in a book for a reader young enough that it’s still using an alphabet format… What the heck is wrong with good ol’ apples? Or just not mentioning public executions near a landmark!? The inset reads: “For 500 years, prisoners would ‘go west’ to the Tyburn Tree (near Marble Arch) to be hanged in front of crowds large enough to fill Wembley.”

 

Not the Circle of Life at all!

This CAN’T be a children’s book. It shouldn’t even be an adults’ book! WTF!?!

 

A-B-C-Hepatitis?

Not sure if this is like disgruntled animators sneaking dark and pervy jokes into animated films, but I can’t think of another explanation for illustrating building blocks to spell hepatitis. Also, hepatitis W must be awful.

 

Mother Goose was one tough mother.

Some nursery ryhmes and kids’ fables can be pretty twisted. Wow. Just remember, ladybugs, only YOU can prevent forest fires and your children burning alive.

 

Harpo’s Horrible Secret

	I was afraid to know what his horrible secret was. This isn’t just a terrible title because of how dirty it can seem against the cover art, it’s the worst title because it turns out Harpo’s secret is that his grand “pap-pap” has Alzheimer’s. 🙁 PHRASING!!!

 
 

Farewell.

	They say you can’t judge a book by its cover. I say, sometimes you can’t NOT judge. While we can all imagine that this book’s purpose is to explain spaying and neutering pets, I can’t help wonder HOW they went about telling and illustrating this story. That is, if this is even a real book and not an internet prank.

 
 

Everyone farts?

I know some kids out there get poo anxious, and might benefit from a book like Everyone Poops, but FARTS? Really? Is this enough of a problem that it needs a kids’ book with a man and a boy making stinky, deep sea diver bubbles in a tub?

 

Oh, the games kids play.

	Let me begin by saying I DID NOT CREATE THIS. If you can’t see what’s odd about this photo of illustrated instructions for an oddly-named, old time kids’ game, then I’m not explaining it. You’re on your own.

 

Curiosity killed the monkey.

	We all know that George has defied all odds by living through some of the things he’s gotten himself into. Oh the paints! Oh the balloons! But… the ether? This might make anyone scratch their head reading it to their kid. Maybe even make them rifle through the following pages to make sure there wasn’t a trippin’ balls or pole dancing George “adventure” to come.

 

When fables go wild.

	There is an ancient fable about the horse and the donkey. It doesn’t go quite like this, though. It has to do with the consequences of not helping another in need. But this is just about disturbing situations of animal death and creepy explanations of dog food.

 
 

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy?

	Maybe this seemed like an economical use of space in a composition that contributed to the point about parallel bone structure, buuuuuutttttt… Nope. So wrong. Example translated text: Horse bones correspond to some of ours. Look at the picture below, they are indicated by the same color.

 
 

The weirdest part about these is when you realize that they were all written, reviewed (usually multiple times), approved, paid for, printed and published somewhere. Crazy.

““

Follow us on Facebook. Come join the facejamboree.

Not-Creepy Instructional Diagrams
Funny things I’ve made that are funny without being too freaky.