Lots of websites write theoretical, preachy lists about innumerable parenting and relationship pitfalls, but most don’t really live them. You can tell by the way the author speaks so authoritatively while remaining distant from their own material. For example, I read an article recently about some relationship issue and the writer made it sound like they were talking about clinical reasons for bedwetting. No bueno.

But not me. I live this shit. I fail and write and bleed and make fart jokes so maybe you don’t have to, dear reader/viewer/person/cyborg. When I write something, I mean it. Mostly.

So today I want to give you five ACTUAL ways you can screw up Mother’s Day. These aren’t ALL the ways, but these are mine. All of them are from yesterday. Yay, me!

1. Fail to Buy Flowers

Seriously? What kind of senility and insensitivity brought me to this point? I could blame a hundred reasons, but there is no excuse. Flowers are, after all, “a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world.” Emerson had it right. I owe the moms in my life at least that much. Beauty, as an expression of love, is more powerful than nearly anything. And flowers are nature’s declaration.

Chocolate late at night is a close second. Again, speaking from experience.

2. Fail to Say ‘I Love You’

What is it about our modern lives, or just mine, that makes us omit even the most basic necessities in favor of “getting by” or “getting things done”? Simple necessities like “I love you” seem to go first. We favor practical things like our careers, the wiping of bums, preparing meals — soon enough we’ve forgotten to emotionally breathe, or acknowledge the existence of someone who really matters.

Don’t let who you are fall away in favor of becoming something else. A job, a goal, a future. Or, in my case, a fool.

3. Fail to Schedule A Nicer Breakfast

It doesn’t have to be breakfast in bed or the fanciest breakfast in all the land, but mark the occasion. Breakfast is the beginning of the day, and it can also be an awesome dinner, but doing the normal routine with no change whatsoever is not a wise move. Meals often mark major occasions. The meal should be commensurate, right?

4. Fail to Understand What Moms Want

Some moms just want some time to themselves. Some want a calm day with some extra support. Still more want some pampering and love. It doesn’t have to be difficult, but if you don’t ask, you’re an idiot. And a little can go a long way. Be creative. Have fun. Just do something special.

Or do something, you moron.

5. Fail to Demonstrate The Importance of Mothers in Your Life

All of this is to say, we… or maybe “I” can do better. For as many amazing photos of kids and moms I saw in my social feed, I also saw lots of private conversations about how lame Mother’s Day was. It’s not about propping up one side more than the other in the parenting conversation, but validating your partner, if you have one, or your own parents individually for their hard work and love.

Why can’t we show them we love them with a thoughtful day of recognition, or demonstrate it every day if you don’t like specific holidays. The point is I seriously sucked at life yesterday, and my wife deserved more.

Don’t be like me, folks. Be better for the people who give a crap about you.

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Learn to be a gooder dad, guys.
Your future may depend on it.