I’m soooooooo sporty. I make holes-in-one all the time when I’m bowling. I can score tons of touchdowns without even hitting the basketball hoop pole. And I can hit home runs nearly every time I swing a tennis racket. So yeah, not very sporty. Especially when it comes to baseball, playing or watching.

However, I do understand that a lot of other people get pretty rabid about it. I can totally understand that going to a game can transform an adult into their former enthusiastic youth, very much like how I’ll get school-girl giddy for the next Star Wars movie.

BUT! I when I do see it, I won’t kick the seat in front of me, throw popcorn like confetti or fumigate the audience with hotdog-fueled farts as if I ACTUALLY WAS an egocentric little kid again. I know that catching a fly ball or home run in the stands is the Holy Grail of a baseball game, but let’s look at some alarming examples of adults turning into humongous childish doucheballs to little kids, all for a little white, leather ball.

Soulless Joe Doucheson

Who needs a heart when you can place a stolen souvenir ball in the empty hole where it once used to beat.

The Douche Cobra

“I don’t THINK so!!! Life is a school of pain, kid, and I’m your substitute teacher.” ““this guy (the one true King of Westeros?)

The Ultimate Douchebaguette

This fully-grown adult fails to swipe the ball tossed to two little kids, so she rips it out of the girl’s hands, and then celebrates with her doucheposse.

Douche Stampede

Last one to the ball is a massive head trauma victim! Or both. Notice that Captain Douche flattens the teen AND himself, and neither one of them gets the ball. Look at the other two scramble like greedy little piggies.

Sir Douche-a-lot

If you’re going to do a victory trot after you overpower a little boy at a baseball game, remember you’re probably going to be on camera, so make it nice and douchey.

The Tyrannosaurus Douche

I would wish that this guy had fallen over the rail after ripping off this kid, but I know he’s probably too dead inside to feel any pain. Awwwww, the poor little victim doesn’t even know what happened.

Assault & Douchery

The kid is clearly holding! the! damn! ball! This is like tackling a football player on his way to the locker room after a game.

The Douche Side of the Force

Dude! You’re on a date with your girlfriend! Way to impress the lady, and tens of thousands of fans, and millions of TV and internet viewers. Classy.

The Douchenado

This lady is wearing a sociopathic smile as she sweeps in like a dispassionate force of nature and methodically wrenches an autographed ball out of the hands of a pack of excited kids it was obviously thrown towards.

Douchey McCreeperson

If you’re douchey and you know it, clap your hands! I can’t tell if the stank of his own doucheyness overwhelmed him or he just isn’t very good at stealing from children.

Defense Against the Douche Arts

Some ballplayers won’t have it. Here’s Derek Jeter saying no-way-joséfina as she tries to rip it out of his hands.

Douche

You can actually see the moment when the man realizes “nah, I won’t be able to live with myself.”

You’re Doing it Right

You see? You can still have fun at a baseball game when a ball comes your way and choose to be the opposite of human garbage.

It’s sort of morbidly amusing, right? Apparently I’ll never love anything as much as some of these adults love walking away with a souvenir baseball, by any means necessary.

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Funny Pictures for Everyone
No one needs to riot in the stadium seats for these.