“Oh. I never watched Goonies.”

““Elizabeth

I just stood there for a moment. Waiting for her to laugh and punch me in the arm. But the laugh never came and the metaphorical punch was only an uppercut to my brain.

A moment before my wife dropped this bomb, I’d made a One-Eyed Willy joke and was met with a blank stare. Sighing raggedly, I threw her a bone (One-Eyed Willy is a pirate skeleton, get it? Sorry.) and told her with singsongy exasperation, “GooOooOooOoonies?” Then she pushed the red button and launched full-scale nuclear warfare on my mind with her confession. SHE’D NEVER SEEN IT!

How could she not have seen Goonies?! Did she spend her childhood in a coma?!? Didn’t her parent’s love her?!?! Were all of her friends members of a secret society whose sole purpose was keeping her from one of the best cinematic joys for a kid!?!?!?

Whatever the reason she was robbed of a good childhood, I knew it was my responsibility not to feel betrayed and lied to, but to take pity on her and understand that when you’re married you can discover some understandable blank spots.

But THE GOONIES??? COME ON! The only reason I can stomach this gross omission is that I know I can now watch it with her for the first time!
 

 
““

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