It’s almost magical how kids can suddenly appear at the tiniest crinkle of a plastic bag. But it’s that crappy magic like a bad luck curse or the summoning of demons or evil spirits.

We’re adults. We have earned the right to have our OWN snacks. Without our kids making us feel like we’re wearing a bread helmet in front of a flock of starving seagulls. So it’s understandable that sometimes we might lie a little. “It’s spicy,” “It’s got caffeine in it” that sort of thing.

So, what if food brands created packaging that added credibility to some of the deceptive excuses we cook up to deflect our kids’ ravenous advances. They’d just be normal products, of course, but with kid-repellent designs. Here are some tactics I thought of…
 

YUCKY

Oreos quickly become NOOOOOreos when you print a veggie on the bag. Don’t freak, they’re just mint. But your kids won’t know, and this ought to put off most miniature snack addicts.

ILLEGAL

Regular chips masquerading as an adults-only treat = clever. “Sorry, kiddo. It’s got alcohol in it. Can’t share with you until you’re 21 or older!”

SPICY

It wouldn’t actually be spicy at all, of course. You could even add to the deception by blowing on your spoonfuls as if they were piping hot, because honestly… kids are gullible as heck.

POISONOUS

You don’t have to know why it’s poisonous to children but not to adults. All you have to do is shrug and point out that it’s printed right there on the package. You’re not the FDA, so tough luck.

CAFFEINATED

“Uh-uh! Caffeine’s not good for you, sweetie.” Tell them it’ll stunt their growth, or simply point out that they’re already horrifically bad at being sleepy when they’re actually supposed to be sleeping.

Now that I think about it actually, highly-caffeinated Goldfish crackers should probably be a real thing.

MEDICAL

“These are just for me! Doctor’s orders!” You can write your own name or simply “Mom & Dad” because kids aren’t pharmacists and, like I said, they’re pretty easily fooled.